- Edna Garrett: Hey, girls! I thought I told you to put your luggage out on the porch.
- Nancy Olson: We did.
- Edna Garrett: Then what do you call this?
- [immense stack of suitcases lines doorway]
- Cindy Webster: Blair's luggage.
- Edna Garrett: She's traveling light.
- [sighs]
- Blair Warner: Hey, Tootie, when you are in New York, there are three things you must see. The Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and the biggie... Bloomingdale's.
- Cindy Webster: Nancy, we're only going home for two days. What do you need two suitcases for?
- Nancy Olson: [Indicates small suitcase:] For my clothes...
- [indicates huge suitcase:]
- Nancy Olson: and my dirty laundry.
- Sue Ann Weaver: Boy, I can't wait to get back home to Kansas City. Smell the wheat, a big stack of Mom's pancakes, and go fishing with Dad down at Miller's Pond.
- Blair Warner: It all sounds so wholesome, I can barf.
- Sue Ann Weaver: Blair, you know what you can do with New York.
- [Blair gives her an annoyed look]
- Blair Warner: Oh, come on, Molly, you'll get used to having divorced parents.
- Molly Parker: No, I won't.
- Blair Warner: Sure you will. Your mother will start a whole new life. She'll date rich older men.
- Molly Parker: How sad.
- Blair Warner: Sad? Older men make great husbands. How can they be unfaithful?
- Cindy Webster: Your father will move in with someone young enough to be his daughter. You'll be able to wear her clothes.
- Molly Parker: Sounds awful.
- Sue Ann Weaver: My parents would never take a thing like divorce. I swear to God, no one gets a divorce in Kansas.
- Blair Warner: They can never decide who gets custody of the cow.
- Natalie Green: They don't have to decide. They could make a giant hamburger and split it.
- Sue Ann Weaver: Sure, Blair. Go ahead and put down the Midwest. Just because our marriages are normal.
- Blair Warner: Normal? You call living in a Norman Rockwell painting normal? Divorce are what's normal. Over half of today's marriages end in divorce. It really isn't that bad, Molly. Besides, you get guilt presents like you wouldn't believe.
- Molly Parker: Guilt presents?
- Blair Warner: Sure! One holiday you go with your father, the next holiday you're home with your mother.
- Dorothy 'Tootie' Ramsey: If she gets the house.
- Blair Warner: She'll get the house. That's the American way.
- Sue Ann Weaver: No, the American way is "nice people stay married."
- Blair Warner: Who taught you that?
- [most patronizing tone:]
- Blair Warner: Your Mommy and Daddy?
- Sue Ann Weaver: That's right, Blair. It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your mother is?