- Doris Schwartz: I thought you said you could handle historical drama.
- Holly Laird: But we thought you were talking about 'Saint Joan', or 'Othelo', or at least something that somebody had heard of. This is dumber than disco.
- Benjamin Shorofsky: [Shorofsky has managed to shut up his students by scratching a needle over a record] Don't worry, it was Wayne Newton, I keep it around for these occasions.
- Mrs. Berg: But students always take advantage of substitutes. I've heard you and Miss Grant talk about that any number of times.
- Elizabeth Sherwood: Well, the kids have their little jokes, you know.
- Mrs. Berg: 'Sadistic monsters' is what you called them.
- Elizabeth Sherwood: That must have been on a Friday.
- Elizabeth Sherwood: Mrs. Berg... if you're my friend, you'll do this for me.
- Mrs. Berg: Miss Sherwood, if you're my friend, you'll give me the straight poop on why you need me to do this for you.
- Lydia Grant: You don't believe me, do you?
- Benjamin Shorofsky: Of course I do...
- Lydia Grant: Well how can you just sit there eating like that?
- Benjamin Shorofsky: Would you feel better if I stood up?
- Doris Schwartz: This is not a joke.
- Holly Laird: Swear on your Barbra Streisand autograph.
- Doris Schwartz: [holds up her hand] I swear.
- Holly Laird: [convinced] She saw what she says she saw.
- Quentin Morloch: [shouting] Mrs. Berg, is my list ready?
- [notices Sherwood is all dressed up to go out]
- Quentin Morloch: My, don't we look stunning today?
- Elizabeth Sherwood: Actually, you look about the same as always. I, on the other hand, look terrific.
- [clicks her tongue]
- Elizabeth Sherwood: See you later.
- Benjamin Shorofsky: Mr. Morloch, may I ask what you're doing?
- Quentin Morloch: [with disgust] I'm looking at photographs of sweaty, half-naked young men.
- Benjamin Shorofsky: Still waters sure run deep, I guess.
- [cue comedic background music]