Family Guy (TV Series)

Jungle Love (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, King Arthur Griffin, Black Jock, Helicopter Pilot, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Pilot

Photos 

Quotes 

• Brian Griffin : Cut. Print. Gay.

• Paul Reiser : [Peter watches Paul Reiser do stand-up]  What's the deal with airline food? I mean, is this stuff bad or what?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, that's not nice. Those chefs work really hard.

  Paul Reiser : And what's with those Starbucks, huh? They're everywhere!

  Peter Griffin : Uh, a lot of people want coffee. It's supply and demand; it's the foundation of our entire economy, Paul.

  Paul Reiser : And who do I talk to about those long lines at the ATM? That's what I wanna know!

  Peter Griffin : [stands up]  Uh, not me, Mr. Reiser - someone who has time to fritter away, but not me.

  [walks out] 

• Stewie Griffin : Do the women there have exposed clitterati?

• Peter Griffin : Hey Pesci, here's a nickel. Say Yugoslavia.

  Joe Pesci : Yugoslavia!

• Brian Griffin : This is amazing. You've got the largest hut in the village and all these servants. And you've only spent a dollar fifty.

  Stewie Griffin : Uhh, that's a hell of a lot less than I had to spend to go see that piece of crap remake of Bewitched.

  [Stewie is sitting in a theater watching the 2005 film adaptation of "Bewitched"] 

  Nicole Kidman : Guess what? I'm a witch.

  Will Ferrell : Guess what? I'm a clippers fan.

  [everyone in the theater except Stewie laughs] 

  Stewie Griffin : Mmhmm.

  [Stewie calmly leaves the theater, hails a taxi, goes to the airport, goes through ticketing and security, gets on a plane, passes the time reading a magazine until the plane lands in LA on the other side of America from Quahog, finds the prearranged limo driver, goes to the hardware store, buys a stepladder, returns to the limo, goes to Will Ferrell's house, calmly walks to the front door, unfolds the ladder, climbs it to ring the bell, and Will Ferrell comes to the door] 

  Will Ferrell : Hello?

  Stewie Griffin : [Stewie punches Ferrell in the face]  That's not funny!

• Peter Griffin : Hey, uh, you gots got an ATM? I only got $37 on me.

  [the villagers all gasp and bow to him] 

  Peter Griffin : What's the matter with them?

  Chieftain : We've never seen that much money before. You are the richest man in the country.

  Peter Griffin : Richest man in the country? Wow, no Griffin's been this powerful since my ancestor, King Arthur Griffin.

  Princess : [cutaway]  Oh, Arthur, if you are able to draw the sword from the stone and prove to me you truly are the sole king of Camelot, I will make love to you right here in the clearing.

  King Arthur Griffin : What if I could just move it an inch, will you touch me?

• Joe Swanson : Chris, what are you all dressed up for?

  Chris Griffin : These are my back-to-school clothes. I start high school tomorrow!

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, boy. You better watch out for the Freshman Hunt.

  Joe Swanson : Yeah, that's where seniors hunt down freshmen and nail them with paddles.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, man, remember how much fun that was, beatin' those freshmen silly?

  Joe Swanson : [laughing with the guys]  Oh, yeah.

  Chris Griffin : You're not serious, are you?

  Peter Griffin : Chris, I'm just as serious as I was when I saw Paul Reiser do stand-up.

• Job Searcher : Turns out there's a job opening at the Pawtucket Brewery.

  Peter Griffin : Wow, that sounds even better than when I got paid to take part in that study.

  Scientist : [cut to a science laboratory]  Hmm, the only one who couldn't finish the puzzle is the fat one.

  Peter Griffin : [seated with three grizzly bears]  I'm sorry, I can't see what you're going for here.

  [looking at one of their completed puzzles] 

  Peter Griffin : Let me look at... oh, it's a jar of preserves. Oh. Yeah, I guess that's what all the red pieces were.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing? You've been out of work forever, and you promised me you were going out to look for a job today.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, uh, okay. I'll go look for a job, Lois.

  [holding out a magazine] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, what is this? The latest "Redbook".

  [tossing it away like a toy for a dog, he runs outside and hides behind a pair of garbage cans] 

  Peter Griffin : Is she gone?

• Helicopter Pilot : All right, Chris, we're approaching your assigned village. Tell the people to work together and drink clean water. Oh, and by the way, the word "colored" still flies down there, so get your fill.

• Job Searcher : All right, Mr. Griffin. "Jobs you think you would be suited for." Let's see what you wrote. "Cowboy, astronaut, warlock, more-powerful astronaut, beer expert."

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, and I need something that pays more than my last job as Sandy Duncan's glass eye.

  [cut to her at a supermarket] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, hey, Sandy. Sandy.

  Sandy Duncan : Oh! What?

  Peter Griffin : What are you buying?

  Sandy Duncan : [sighing]  Some breakfast cereal.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, don't get that; that's a bad cereal. Get some of the Boo Berry.

• Lois Griffin : I wonder how your father's first day at work went.

  [pulling up to the house like a fast-food drive-through, Peter honks the car horn] 

  Meg Griffin : Dad? What the hell are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : [drunk]  Uh, yeah, hey, buddy. Uh, I'll have a triple cheeseburger and a large fries. And, uh, do you sell pants?

• Brian Griffin : Peter, you seem happy this morning.

  Peter Griffin : You bet! I'm starting my new job at the brewery. Finally, I'm one of those guys who can't wait to get to work in the morning, like a dairy cow.

  [cut to a barn, where a farmer milks his cow] 

  Dairy Cow : [screaming in ecstasy]  Oh, yes! Yes!

• Angela : Mr. Griffin, we have different rules here. For starters, no drinking, period. We start work at 7:00 a.m. sharp. This is your coworker, Opie. He is a burden of the state deemed unfit for mainstream society. He is your superior.

  Peter Griffin : [Opie babbles unintelligbly]  What did he say?

  Angela : He said he wants you to put your finger in his mouth. If you value your job, I'd do it.

  Peter Griffin : [doing so]  Ow! He bit me!

  Angela : Mr. Griffin, although I may not fully understand Opie's management style, he has proven himself a more competent employee than you, so in my absence, you will listen to him.

  Peter Griffin : [as she leaves, Opie babbles again]  Oh, come, guy.

  [more babbling; groaning, he puts his finger in Opie's mouth again] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Damn it! Oh, this is worse than being Kevin Federline's magic mirror.

  [cutaway] 

  Kevin Federline : Magic mirror, how can I look like a douchebag today?

  Peter Griffin : Well, Kevin, um, I would say, first of all, don't shave or shower.

  Kevin Federline : Okay, I won't.

  Peter Griffin : And, uh, you just got out of bed, right?

  Kevin Federline : Yeah.

  Peter Griffin : Uh, I would say just go ahead and wear that tank top all day.

  Kevin Federline : Um, okay.

  Peter Griffin : All right, so we covered the hygiene, no collared shirts, um... oh, and don't forget to walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.

• Chris Griffin : [Peter has the villagers re-enact an episode of "Seinfeld"]  Dad, I have had enough of you taking advantage of these people. For God's sakes, the woman playing Elaine is a high priestess!

  Peter Griffin : I don't have to take that from you. I'm the richest guy in town!

  Chris Griffin : Dad, don't you see? This is a wonderful place, and you're just using it to escape from your problems at home.

  Peter Griffin : What do you mean? Meg's right there.

  Lois Griffin : But, Chris, honey, aren't you doing the same thing?

  Chris Griffin : What do you mean?

  Lois Griffin : I mean you just came here because you were being picked on at school. You're using these people to escape your problems.

  Chris Griffin : Oh, my God! You're right. I married this 11-year-old girl for all the wrong reasons! I'm sorry, Loca. I guess I just came here because I was afraid of being a freshman.

  Chieftain : Freshman?

  Chris Griffin : [the villagers start chasing them]  I guess you can't run away from your problems anywhere!

  Peter Griffin : [running toward a docked seaplane]  Jock, start the engine! Get the plane up!

  [as they run toward the water a la "Raiders of the Lost Ark," the plane starts up and they all manage to get aboard] 

  Brian Griffin : Uh, Peter, I think we forgot Meg.

  [standing on the edge of the water, Meg falls over, revealing a number of blowdarts in her back] 

• Lois Griffin : Peter, this is ridiculous. We came here to take Chris home. Why are we staying?

  Peter Griffin : 'Cause I'm tired of being treated like crap at work. D-Don't you see what this means to me? I'm somebody here. Finally, a white man has an opportunity to be rich and in charge.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, I just found this note in Chris' room! He ran away to join the Peace Corps!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, my God, give me that.

  [she moves to hand him the note] 

  Peter Griffin : No, that.

  [he indicates a paddle ball paddle; giving it to him, he giggles as he plays with it, and as time passes, the ball finally hits him in the face] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh! Oh! Dumb! I'm bored with it now.

• Brian Griffin : You can't run away from your problems, Chris. That's what I tried to do. I joined the Peace Corps, and a day later, I was two continents away.

  Chris Griffin : Really?

  Brian Griffin : [as he talks, Chris packs a suitcase]  Yep. But 6,000 miles and all the dope I could smoke still couldn't separate me from my problems. And this was good dope. I mean, it-it was growing everywhere. Oh, my God, this one time, this one time, we got so baked, we ended up eating all the food the World Health Organization had airlifted in. Man, those villagers were so pissed. They tried to chase us, but let me just say, thank God for polio.

  [closing the case, Chris leaves] 

  Brian Griffin : Anyway, my point is that...

  [seeing he's gone] 

  Brian Griffin : Huh.

  Sandy Duncan : [coming in]  Hey, is Peter here? I wanna re-hire him. My new eye isn't working out.

  Glenn Quagmire : [as her glass eye]  Hey, Wheat Thins, take your top off!

• Lois Griffin : Hey, Chris. Was school any better today?

  Chris Griffin : No! I hate it! I never wanna go back!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, come on, it'll get better. You just have to find your place. Let's go, Stewie. Time to change your diaper.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm not worried about high school at all. Worst-case scenario, I'll carve out a niche as the effeminate male friend of the popular girls.

• [Chris calls home after joining the Peace Corps] 

  Lois Griffin : Hello?

  Chris Griffin : Hi, Mom!

  [Peter joins the call] 

  Peter Griffin : Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay!

  Chris Griffin : Hi, Dad!

  Peter Griffin : Hey, this has been driving me crazy. Who was the chick on "Remington Steele"?

  [Stewie joins the call] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hello?

  Chris Griffin : Stephanie Zimbalist?

  Stewie Griffin : No, Stewie Griffin. Who's this?

  Peter Griffin : [responding to Chris]  Thank you!

  Lois Griffin : Chris, what are you doing down there?

  Chris Griffin : Relax, Mom. I'm having a great time!

  Stewie Griffin : [annoyed]  You people knocked me off the modem!

  Lois Griffin : When are you coming home?

  Peter Griffin : How's the food in South America?

  Stewie Griffin : Do the women there have exposed cliteratti?

  Chris Griffin : I'll be home in a month, after people have forgotten I'm a freshman.

  Lois Griffin : Well... Please just take care of yourself, honey.

  [Meg joins the call] 

  Meg Griffin : Hey, guys. Is everyone on the phone?

  Chris Griffin : I gotta go.

  [disconnects] 

  Lois Griffin : Something's in the oven.

  [disconnects] 

  Peter Griffin : I lost a shoe.

  [disconnects] 

  Stewie Griffin : Don't leave me on the phone with her!

  Meg Griffin : Stewie?

  Stewie Griffin : [faking being interested]  Hey... . How's school?

  Meg Griffin : [sweetly]  Hi, Stewie.

  Stewie Griffin : Listen, I am swamped... but Mom has kept me up to date on everything you're doing... and I think it's just great. Hanging up now.

  [disconnects, groans]