Family Guy (TV Series)

North by North Quahog (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Tom Tucker, Jake Tucker, Shelley Boothbishop, Ralph Kramden, Geppetto, Jesus Christ, George Washington, Theodore Roosevelt, Benjamin Franklin

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Peter Griffin : Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that?

  Peter Griffin : Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like "Dark Angel," "Titus," "Undeclared," "Action," "That 80's Show," "Wonderfalls," "Fastlane," "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Skin," "Girls Club," "Cracking Up," "The Pits," "Firefly," "Get Real," "Freaky Links," "Wanda at Large," "Costello," "The Lone Gunmen," "A Minute With Stan Hooper," "Normal, Ohio," "Pasadena," "Harsh Realm," "Keen Eddie," "The Street," "American Embassy," "Cedric the Entertainer," "The Tick," "Louie," and "Greg the Bunny."

  Lois Griffin : Is there no hope?

  Peter Griffin : Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

• Chris Griffin : You're a dog! You don't have a soul!

  Brian : Ouch.

• Brian Griffin : Jake brought vodka to the school dance, and Chris got blamed for it, and it's really turn his life upside-down face.

  [Stewie stares at Brian in disbelief] 

  Tom Tucker : It's no concern to me if it's turned his life upside-down face, Jake's a good boy! Isn't that right, Jake?

  Jake Tucker : Yeah!

• [Peter is watching a movie] 

  Brian Griffin : [walks into the room]  What are you watching, Peter?

  Peter Griffin : "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...

  [cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard] 

  Peter Griffin : Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!

  [stops screaming] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!

  Roman Guard : Okay...

  Peter Griffin : Okay?

  Roman Guard : Okay...

  Peter Griffin : All right.

• Peter Griffin : Uh, excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room.

  Guy : You're Mel Gibson?

  Peter Griffin : Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English.

  Guy : Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!

• Peter Griffin : [driving to his and Lois' second honeymoon, he's distracted by a comic book]  Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid idiot.

  [as the car rumbles, he realizes he's drifted off the road] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, jeez!

  [getting back on, he raises the comic again] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh! He's gonna do it. Oh, he's so ridiculous. You hear me, you ridiculous man? You're... whoa!

  [the car rumbles again, and he screams, realizing he's about to hit a tree] 

  Lois Griffin : [asleep, the impact wakes her up]  Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? I fall asleep for ten minutes and you plow the car into a tree? Oh, my God, you gotta pay attention to the road! We could have been killed!

  [to block out her ranting, he raises the comic again] 

  Lois Griffin : I mean, look at the front of our car. It's totaled! It's completely totaled, Peter! Oh, this is just terrific! How are we gonna get... oh, my God! I knew I should've driven. I should always drive. I cannot trust you, Peter Griffin.

• Stewie Griffin : [Peter and Lois are away on their second honeymoon]  You know, Brian, if I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?

  Brian : I'm not gonna change you.

  Stewie Griffin : What?

  Brian : I said I'm not gonna change you.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, you can't be serious. Well, what if... what if I make a fudgie?

  [pacing around nervously] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!

• Peter Griffin : [having sex, Lois moans another man's name]  Who the hell is George?

  Lois Griffin : George Clooney?

  Peter Griffin : Our sex is so dull for you that you gotta fantasize about George Clooney?

  Lois Griffin : I'm sorry, honey, I guess that things have become a little stale for me.

  Peter Griffin : Well, I-I don't know what to do. I mean, I don't really know that much about any kinky stuff. I mean, I-I could hook this car battery up to my nipples.

  [doing so and yelling in pain] 

  Peter Griffin : Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Oh, God! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! This doing it for you?

• Brian : [Chris and Meg's bickering gets on his nerves]  I swear to God, these kids are gonna make me put a bullet through my head.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, if I was in charge, we wouldn't be having this problem.

  Brian : Well, you got some ideas? Tell me.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, I'll tell you. Of course, I'll want a favor in exchange.

  [cut to him laughing as Brian changes his diaper] 

  Stewie Griffin : How does it smell, dog? Does it smell like servitude?

  [peeing at him] 

  Stewie Griffin : Aft torpedoes, fire!

• Stewie Griffin : Did really think you're all grown up

  Peter Griffin : We'll see that this film never sees the light of day.

  Lois Griffin : He could have us arrested or killed.

  Meg : In the mean time your grounded Chris.