Family Guy (TV Series)

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (2001)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Carter Pewterschmidt, Jake Tucker, Nate Griffin, Osias Griffin, Thomas Griffin, Voiceover, Scientist #1

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.

  Chris Griffin : Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.

  [Peter stops the car] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what's wrong?

  Peter Griffin : He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!

  [hands a book to Meg] 

  Peter Griffin : Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!

  [sprays holy water on Chris] 

  Peter Griffin : The power of Christ compels you!

  [Chris screams] 

  Peter Griffin : The power of Christ compels you!

  [Chris continues screaming] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, stop! He's not possessed!

  Meg Griffin : Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.

  Peter Griffin : Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.

  [flashback] 

  Peter Griffin : I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.

  [Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime] 

  Peter Griffin : I awoke several hours later in a daze.

• Glen Quagmire : [Quagmire finds Cindi tied up in a bathroom stall]  Dear diary: Jackpot.

• Dennis Miller : I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antietam, I mean when a Neo-Conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibustered deoxymonohydroxinate

  Peter Griffin : What the hell does rant mean?

• Stewie Griffin : Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

• [a police officer pulls Peter over in his car] 

  Cop : License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?

  Peter Griffin : Yes I am.

  Cop : [into walkie-talkie]  Report of a possible stolen vehicle.

  Peter Griffin : But this is my car.

  Cop : Suspect becoming beligerent.

  Peter Griffin : Wha...

  Cop : Officer down.

  [Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter] 

• Peter Griffin : [laughs] 

  Brian Griffin : [reading Nate Griffin's diary]  See, that laugh is in here too. "Hehheheheheehehehe"

• Peter Griffin : Time to be hitting the old dusty trail.

• Peter Griffin : I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!

• Peter Griffin : Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.

  Lois Griffin : Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee Wee's Playhouse?

  Peter Griffin : [singing]  Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.

  [to Brian] 

  Peter Griffin : OK say it

  Brian Griffin : [as Jambi the Genie]  Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you're acting ridiculous.

  Peter Griffin : [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen]  You said the secret word!

• Stewie Griffin : My, nice ones Jeanine, and look at Lisa in all of her glory.

• [Peter and his new "posse" have just come in the door] 

  Peter Griffin : Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches.

  Carter Pewterschmit : My jacket's in there, please don't write on it.

• Peter Griffin : Holy crap I'm Black!

• Peter Griffin : [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin]  Wow, then it's true.

  Chris Griffin : Cool! I get to be Black and Irish.

  Meg Griffin : Yeah. And now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?

  Chris Griffin : Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!

  Peter Griffin : Well eh the important thing is you tried, son.

• Peter Griffin : [Trying to explain himself]  Gentlemen, please. Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been there for you!

  [the crowd heckles him] 

  Peter Griffin : I was there for the good times! When George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side, I was there! Oh! Oh! Hallelujah! Those were happy times! But, but, I was also there for the bad ones! When Florida lost James to that tragic auto accident, I was there. And when Tootie got those painfully terrible braces! I was there! And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there! So, before you decide that I don't belong here, remember this: I was there!

  [the crowd cheers] 

• Peter Griffin : Chris starts with all this "Yo, yo, yo" stuff, and I don't know what he's talkin' about. So I started beatin' him with a hose. Then my arm got tired, so I came here.

• Carter Pewterschmit : Well I absolutely will not give you an apology, and I'm assuming "Rice Krispies treats" is black slang for money, so here's ten thousand dollars.