- [Pouring Jack a cup of tea]
- Mrs. Doyle: Now what do you say to a cup?
- Father Jack Hackett: Feck off, cup!
- Father Ted Crilly: Uh... Dougal... there's uh... some shaving cream there.
- Father Dougal McGuire: No, no, Ted, your grand.
- Father Ted Crilly: No... on you.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Oh... where exactly Ted?
- Father Ted Crilly: Just there, below your ear.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Here?
- Father Ted Crilly: Yes and there's... uh... there's a bit more...
- Father Dougal McGuire: Gone?
- Father Ted Crilly: No, there's still just a tiny... Dougal, its all over the place!
- Father Dougal McGuire: How on Earth did that get there?... I didn't even shave this morning!
- Father Ted Crilly: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Yes.
- Father Ted Crilly: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?
- [Talking to Dougal at Funland]
- Father Ted Crilly: You're supposed to be taking Jack for his walk.
- Father Dougal McGuire: Well erm, the cliffs were closed for the day.
- Father Ted Crilly: How can the cliffs be closed Dougal?
- Father Dougal McGuire: OK no, it wasn't that. They were gone
- Father Ted Crilly: Gone? The cliffs were gone. How could they just disappear?
- Father Dougal McGuire: Erosion.
- [Dougal is holding the front panel of a TV up to his face]
- Father Jack Hackett: What's that gobshite doing on the television?
- Tom: Father! I've killed a man.
- Father Ted: Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!
- Tarot Reader: [Father Ted has turned over three "Death" cards] This is really weird! There's only supposed to be one in every pack!
- Tom: Father... I've killed a man.
- Father Ted Crilly: Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!
- Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
- [offers him a cup of tea]
- Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!
- Mrs Doyle: Who's for tea?
- Father Dougal: Me please, Mrs. Doyle.
- Father Jack Hackett: Tea? Feck!
- Father Ted: I'm fine Mrs. Doyle.
- Mrs Doyle: [to Father Jack] And what do you say to a cup?
- Father Jack Hackett: [shouts] Feck off cup!