Father Ted (TV Series)

The Mainland (1998)

Dermot Morgan: Father Ted Crilly

Photos 

Quotes 

• Father Ted Crilly : God almighty! Look who it is, it's that actor!

  Father Dougal McGuire : Who?

  Father Ted Crilly : You know, your man from 'One Foot in the Grave', the "I don't believe it" man!

  Father Dougal McGuire : Oh, wow!

  Father Ted Crilly : God, that's amazing. Look at him there.

  [sniggers] 

  Father Ted Crilly : Do you know what he'd love? He'd love it if somebody came up to him and said his catchphrase.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.

  Father Ted Crilly : Should I?

  Father Dougal McGuire : Oh, yeah. I'd say no one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of these times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.

  Father Ted Crilly : I'm going to do it.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Brilliant!

  Father Ted Crilly : Will I?

  Father Dougal McGuire : Yeah, go on!

  Father Ted Crilly : [hands his camera to Dougal]  Hold the camera.

  [Ted marches up to the actor Richard Wilson, of 'One Foot in the Grave' fame, who is in the middle of a conversation with a tour guide woman. Just before he's about to say the catchphrase, he looks back at Dougal and gives a thumbs up] 

  Father Ted Crilly : [loudly, in a bad Scottish accent]  *I* DON'T BELIEVE IT!

  [Richard Wilson is startled. He glares at Ted, then takes his hat off and hits Ted with it, then grabs Ted and wrestles with him. Two male bystanders pull Wilson away. Ted tries to apologise but Wilson goes for him again and gets him in a headlock. The men restrain Wilson again. All the while Dougal watches from a short distance away and takes photographs] 

  Richard Wilson : I'll bloody well kill you!

  [Shaken and saddened, Ted walks back to Dougal] 

  Father Dougal McGuire : [cheerful as ever]  Well, what did he say? Did he laugh?

  Father Ted Crilly : No. No, no. No, not really. I'm going to sit down now.

• Father Ted Crilly : There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder!

• Tour Guide : This particular cave was formed more than 15 million years ago.

  Father Ted Crilly : Wow. I don't believe it.

  [the man in front of Ted turns around, it's the actor Richard Wilson from 'One Foot in the Grave'] 

  Richard Wilson : You again!

  [he grabs Ted and pulls his jacket over his head] 

  Richard Wilson : I never want to see you again! Bastard!

  [Ted and Dougal run away] 

  Tour Guide : That path's not open to the...! Oh, Mr. Wilson, could I just say how sorry I am...

  Richard Wilson : No, that's alright, that's alright. As long as I don't have to hear that bloody catchphrase again.

  [the tour guide tries not to laugh] 

  Tour Guide : [voiceover]  I don't believe it! I don't belieeve it!

• Father Dougal McGuire : That's a great show though, isn't it? He's mad, isn't he? "I don't believe it", he says.

  Father Ted Crilly : Which one were you watching?

  Father Dougal McGuire : What?

  Father Ted Crilly : Which episode of 'One Foot in the Grave' were you watching?

  Father Dougal McGuire : Huh?

  Father Ted Crilly : Dougal, you've just finished watching it! Do you not remember anything from it?

  Father Dougal McGuire : "I don't believe it", that's what he says.