Fawlty Towers (TV Series)

The Germans (1975)

John Cleese: Basil Fawlty

Photos 

Quotes 

• Basil Fawlty : Is there something wrong?

  German Guest : Will you stop talking about the war?

  Basil Fawlty : Me? You started it.

  German Guest : We did not start it!

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, you did. You invaded Poland.

• Basil Fawlty : Listen, don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right.

• German Guest : Can we help you?

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, you speak English.

  German Guest : Of course.

  Basil Fawlty : Ah, wonderful! WUNDERBAR! Ahh! Please allow me to introduce myself, I am the owner of Fawlty Towers. And may I welcome your war... your war... you wall... you all... you all, and hope that your stay will be a happy one. Now, would you like to eat first, or would you like a drink before the war... AHH! Er... trespassers will be tied up with piano wire... SORRY, SORRY!

• [Basil's constant mention of World War II has reduced a German girl to tears, so he decides to cheer her up with a Hitler imitation] 

  Basil Fawlty : Look, she'll love it! She's German!

  [Basil almost holds a finger underneath his nose] 

  Polly Shearman : [recognizing what's to come, with horror]  NO, Mr. Fawlty!

  Basil Fawlty : What?

  Polly Shearman : Do Jimmy Cagney instead!

  Basil Fawlty : What?

  Polly Shearman : Jimmy Cagney!

  Basil Fawlty : Jimmy Cagney?

  Polly Shearman : You know! "You dirty rat!"

  Basil Fawlty : I can't do Jimmy Cagney!

  Polly Shearman : Oh, please try! "I'm gonna get you..."

  Basil Fawlty : Shut up!

  Basil Fawlty : [to the Germans]  Here, watch. Who's this then?

  [He holds a finger underneath his nose and shouts in mock German, which makes the German girl cry even more] 

  Basil Fawlty : OK, I'll do the funny walk!

  [Basil goose-steps into the lobby and back, all the while chanting in mock German] 

• Basil Fawlty : Polly, what's that smell?

  Polly Shearman : Flowers. I just got them from the garden.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones?

  Polly Shearman : Being ironed.

• Basil Fawlty : [two guests are speaking to Basil in German]  Oh, German. I'm sorry, I THOUGHT there was something wrong with you.

• Basil Fawlty : Well, I'll just get your hors d'oeuvres.

  Basil Fawlty : [German accent]  Hors d'oeuvres... vich must be obeyed at all times vitout qvestion!

• [Basil in hospital, having suffered a concussion, regain consciousness] 

  Basil Fawlty : [to nurse, a little groggily]  My God, you're ugly, aren't you?

  Sybil Fawlty : Basil?

  Sister : I'll... I'll get the doctor.

  Basil Fawlty : You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

• [Basil answers the phone which interrupts him hanging his moose head on the wall] 

  Basil Fawlty : [Answers the phone call from his wife]  Yes. Fawlty Towers, hello?

  [pause] 

  Basil Fawlty : I was just doing it, you stupid woman. I just put it down, to come here and be reminded by you to do what I'm already doin'. I mean, what is the point in reminding me to do what I'm already doing? I mean, what is the bloody point? I'm doing it, aren't I?

  [pause] 

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, yes, I picked it up... Yes... No, no, I haven't had a chance yet... I've been at it solidly ever since I got back. Yes, I will... Yes... No, I haven't yet, but I will... Yes, yes, yes, I know it is... Yes, I'll try and get it cleared up... Anything else? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left?

• [Sybil asks Basil to get her blue bed-jacket from the drawers. He picks up a pink top] 

  Basil Fawlty : This one?

  Sybil Fawlty : That's not blue.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, it's got blue things on it.

  Sybil Fawlty : They're flowers, and I didn't ask for the one with the flowers, did I?

  Basil Fawlty : No, you didn't, quite right. No, I only picked that one up to annoy you, actually.

• [after explaining to everyone about the fire drill moments away] 

  Basil Fawlty : Splendid. Well, now that's settled, we'll have the fire drill, which will commence in exactly 30 seconds from now. Thank you so much.

  [Everyone stands still] 

  Basil Fawlty : What are you doing? I mean, are you just gonna stand there?

  Mr. Sharp : Well, what do you suggest?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, couldn't one or two of you go in the bar and a few in the dining room... I mean, use your imagination?

  Mr. Sharp : Why?

  Basil Fawlty : Well, this is supposed to be a *fire drill*!

  Mr. Sharp : There's only a few seconds.

  Basil Fawlty : ...Right, right. Well, stay where you are because, obviously, if there was a fire, you'd all be standing down here like this in the lobby, wouldn't you? I mean, why do we bother? We should let you all burn!

• [Raving on about the fire extinguisher that he fired into his own face] 

  Basil Fawlty : Do you know what that fire extinguisher did? It exploded in my face. I mean, what is the point of a fire extinguisher? It sits there for months, and when you actually have a fire - when you actually need the bloody thing - it blows your head off! I mean, what is happening to this country? It's bloody Wilson!

• Sybil Fawlty : And DO try and find time to get the moose's head up.

  Basil Fawlty : Ohh...

  Sybil Fawlty : It's been sitting there for two weeks, Basil.

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, yes, yes.

  Sybil Fawlty : I don't know why you bought it.

  Basil Fawlty : It will lend the lobby a certain ambiance, Sybil. It has a touch of style about it.

  Sybil Fawlty : It's got a touch of mange about it.

  Basil Fawlty : That is not so.

  Sybil Fawlty : It's got things living in it, Basil. It's nasty.

  Basil Fawlty : It is not nasty. It is superb.

  Sybil Fawlty : I'm not going to argue with you, Basil, just get it up out of the way. I don't want to snag any more cardis on it.

• Basil Fawlty : Look, uh, go and get me a hammer.

  Manuel : Uh, como?

  Basil Fawlty : Hammer.

  Manuel : Hammer, oh... Oh, hamma sandwich!

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, do I have to go through this every time? Look, a HAMMER.

  Manuel : My hamster?

  Basil Fawlty : No, not your hamster. How could I knock a nail in with your hamster? Well... I could try, no, it doesn't... No, I'll get it. You come here and tidy. You know - tidy?

  Manuel : Oh, tidy. Si.

  Basil Fawlty : [walking away]  Yes, I'll get hkhammer and hkhit you on the hkhead with it hkhard.

• [Basil has accidentally set off the burglar alarm during the fire drill, guests start walking out of the building thinking it's the fire alarm, but Basil stops them all in the lobby] 

  Mrs. Wilson : Oh, I thought there was a drill.

  Basil Fawlty : Yes, there is, at twelve o'clock, but not yet.

  Mrs. Wilson : But, it IS twelve o'clock.

  Basil Fawlty : Well not quite, thank you.

  Basil Fawlty : [to other guests trying to leave]  Excuse me!

  Mrs. Sharp : Yes.

  Mrs. Wilson : Well, I make it twelve o'clock.

  Basil Fawlty : [to guests]  I'm afraid that wasn't the...

  Mrs. Wilson : What time do you make it, Major?

  Basil Fawlty : [annoyed]  Look...

  Major Gowen : Burglars about, I think.

  Basil Fawlty : Look, it doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started yet.

  Mrs. Sharp : What?

  Basil Fawlty : It hasn't started yet!

  Mrs. Sharp : But, that was the bell, wasn't it?

  Basil Fawlty : No!

  Mrs. Wilson : He means "the drill" hasn't started yet.

  Mr. Sharp : What drill? We didn't hear a drill.

  Basil Fawlty : [trying to explain]  No, no-no-no, look, look - that was the burglar alarm.

  Major Gowen : See!

  Mrs. Wilson : The burglar alarm?

  Basil Fawlty : Yes!

  Mrs. Wilson : Are there burglars?

  Major Gowen : Evidently!

• Basil Fawlty : [increasingly annoyed]  No! Look, what's the matter with you all? It's perfectly simple: We have the fire drill when I ring the fire *bell*! That wasn't the fire bell! Right?

  Mr. Sharp : Mr. Sharp: Well, how were we supposed to *know* that wasn't the fire bell?

  Basil Fawlty : Because it doesn't *sound* like the fire bell!

  All guests at once : It did.

  Basil Fawlty : It didn't!

  All guests at once : It did!

  Basil Fawlty : No it didn't! The fire bell is a different s... i-it's a semitone higher!

  Mrs. Wilson : A semitone?

  Basil Fawlty : At least.

  [Pointing at his watch] 

  Basil Fawlty : Anyway, the fire drill doesn't start til 12 o'clock!

  Mr. Sharp : [Pointing at his own watch]  It *is' 12 o'clock.

  Basil Fawlty : [Looks at his watch]  Well, it is *now*, but that's because we've been standing about arguing about it!

• Basil Fawlty : Fire. F-f-fire. Fa fa fa fire! FIRE!

• Basil Fawlty : [to a nurse]  Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!

• Nurse : You still here?

  Basil Fawlty : [glancing underneath his chair]  Apparently.

  Nurse : The doctor's coming.

  Basil Fawlty : My God, a doctor? I mean, here in the hospital? Whatever can we do?

  Nurse : You can leave!

  Basil Fawlty : Why DO they call you sister? Is it a term of endearment?

• Sybil Fawlty : I am actually about to undergo an operation, Basil.

  Basil Fawlty : Oh, yes. How is the old toenail? Still growing in, hmm? Still burrowing its way down to the bone? Still macheteing its way through the nerve, aye? Nasty old nail!

  Sybil Fawlty : It's still hurting, if that's what you mean.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, it'll be out in the morning. Poor little devil. I wonder if they'd mount it for me, just for old time's sake.

  Sybil Fawlty : I'm sure it's worth asking. You could hang it on the wall next to the moose. They'd go rather well together.

• Basil Fawlty : [to Polly]  Idle hands get in the way of the Devil's work, Polly.

• Basil Fawlty : [nailing the moose head to the wall]  There, tell the Tyrant Queen her cardies are safe forever. Mr Moose is up. It's done, done, done!

  Polly Shearman : It's up.

  [the moose head falls off and hits Basil on the head in the process] 

  Polly Shearman : It's down again.

• Basil Fawlty : So that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and 4 Colditz salads.

• Basil Fawlty : I'm trying to cheer her up, you stupid Krauts.

• Major Gowen : I must have been keen on her because I took her to see India.

  Basil Fawlty : India?

  Major Gowen : At The Oval.

• [the phone rings] 

  Basil Fawlty : [picking up the phone; his wife is at the other end of the line]  Hello, Fawlty Towers.

  [pause] 

  Basil Fawlty : [annoyed]  Oh, what is it now? Can't you leave me in peace?

• Basil Fawlty : I wish it was an ingrown tongue.

• Miss Agatha Tibbs : We don't think you're well, Mr. Fawlty.

  Basil Fawlty : Well, perhaps not, but I'll live longer than you.

  Miss Ursula Gatsby : You must have hurt yourself.

  Basil Fawlty : My dear woman, a blow on the head like that... is worth two in the bush.

• Basil Fawlty : Oh I see. You're volunteering to go out to get some meat. Not necessary. We have meat here.

  [with German accent] 

  Basil Fawlty : We haff meat here in ze building. Moo.

  [points to the kitchen] 

• Basil Fawlty : I'll ask them if they want something to drink before the war... before their lunch. Don't mention the war.

• Mrs. Wilson : [after Basil has explained that the earlier bell was the burglar alarm, not the fire bell]  Look, how on earth can you expect us to tell which bell is which?

  [Basil sighs in exasperation] 

  Mrs. Wilson : We haven't heard them yet, have we?

  [Looks round at the other guests] 

  Basil Fawlty : You want to hear them? Right, suits me! Here's the burglar alarm.

  [Turns it on] 

  Major Gowen : Ought we to catch them first?

  Basil Fawlty : There *aren't* any.

  Major Gowen : Then why does the alarm keep going...

  Basil Fawlty : [sighs]  Alright, got that? Right.

  [Turns the alarm off] 

  Mrs. Wilson : What's happening now?

  Basil Fawlty : [Ignoring her]  Now, here's the fire bell, right?

  [Turns it on] 

  Basil Fawlty : It's a completely different sound, listen.

  [the guests start to leave] 

  Basil Fawlty : Well, where are you going?

  Mrs. Wilson : Well, there is a drill, isn't there?

  Basil Fawlty : [Jumping up and down in exasperation]  No, no, no-no-no! This is so you can hear the bell so you know in a moment when I *ring* the bell! What are you doing? Will you come back?

  Two women : We're going outside.

  Basil Fawlty : No! Look, just listen to it, you old fools!

  Two women : What?

  Basil Fawlty : Listen to it!

  [Manuel enters, gesturing frantically] 

  Manuel : Fire, fire, everybody out, please...

  Basil Fawlty : NO!

  [Manuel continues to herd everyone out] 

  Basil Fawlty : Will you shut up?

  Manuel : Out...

  Basil Fawlty : [shouting over him]  Look, will you shut up?

  Manuel : Is fire...

  Basil Fawlty : Is *not* fire, is only bell!

  [Manuel continues to protest. Polly start to head upstairs] 

  Basil Fawlty : Where are *you* going?

  Polly Shearman : Upstairs.

  Polly Shearman : There isn't a drill yet! I'm just showing them what the bell sounds like!