- [Mother Buchanan enters with a large plush stuffed animal in each arm]
- Alex: Let's see. I recognize the bear and the monkey, but what's that scary creature in the middle?
- Delilah Buchanan: You know, you are pretty easy to talk to. And I feel like I could tell you anything.
- Dr. Milmur: I'd be happy to talk about any problems you have.
- Delilah Buchanan: Oh, well, that's good. Cuz if we ever get through this, I got a mother-in-law I'd like to talk about!
- Alex: Delilah, I thought you would've caught on by now. When Mother Buchanan treats any of us to a fancy meal, it's only to get us to do things for her.
- Vivian: Yeah, hasn't she ever done that to you?
- Delilah: Well now that you mention it, once she bought me a frozen yogurt and I wound up painting her garage!
- Vivian: Everyone has their price... but who would've thought yours would be so low?
- Mother Buchanan: Bree, you owe me.
- Bree: Just because you bought me lunch doesn't mean I have to give you grandchildren!
- Mother Buchanan: You are my last chance for grandchildren. Alexandria has given me one grandchild in eighteen years... I guess she's waiting to get her figure back. I don't know what Delilah's problem is, she is built to breed! I have seen hungry newborn babies stand up and run toward her. And Vivian, well...
- Vivian: Well, what? I gave you two grandchildren.
- Mother Buchanan: Oh, please! Wolves could have done a better job of raising those boys!
- Vivian Buchanan: My pregnancy was easy. It was the delivery that damn near killed me! Natural childbirth? What was I thinking? Ed gave me three beers to get me pregnant, you'd think he could've slipped me a Dubonnet between contractions!
- Mother Buchanan: You know, Alexandria, the last person who insulted me was Mr. Kinski, the butcher's assistant.
- Alex: Oh yeah, that guy who disappeared recently.
- Mother Buchanan: Did he?
- Mother Buchanan: Delilah, this is just a minor setback. We love you, we care about you, we're here for you! Bree, be a dear, and make me a plate to go.
- Delilah Buchanan: I was home all week just praying about my problem, and finally today, God answered. Through Sally Jessy Raphael.
- [On surrogate motherhood]
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: Oh, look, I love Delilah. If she'd asked to borrow money, fine. Borrow my car? Sure. But I'm sorry, my uterus is off limits!
- Mother Buchanan: I hear that Delilah is unhappy. And an unhappy Delilah makes an unhappy Charles. And an unhappy Charles makes an unhappy Mother Buchanan.
- Vivian: And a happy Mother Buchanan would look like...?
- Mother Buchanan: You may never know, Vivian.
- Delilah Buchanan: Sorry. Just a little nervous. I've never been to a psychologist before. But my sister-in-law's a Jew and she swears by you people!
- Delilah Buchanan: Ever since I was a little girl, folks didn't think I was worth a damn. "You're dumb, Delilah." "You failed math again, Delilah." "Stay out the boy's locker room, Delilah!"