The 5 Mrs. Buchanans (TV Series)

Never on the Road Again (1995)

Eileen Heckart: Mother Emma Buchanan

Quotes 

• Mother Buchanan : There has been a death in the family, and we are going to go to the funeral.

  Delilah : Mother Buchanan, I got plans too. I'm trying out for Jeopardy tomorrow.

  Mother Buchanan : Isn't that sweet? Delilah's trying to make me laugh in my moment of sorrow.

• Bree : I've never been to a real funeral before.

  Mother Buchanan : Oh, you'll be fine, Bree. We just go in, we view the body, we go to the service and then we bury the poor woman.

  Bree : You mean, we actually see the body?

  Mother Buchanan : Yes.

  Bree : Cool!

• Delilah : Alex, do you mind going back to that gas station? I gotta go to the bathroom.

  Mother Buchanan : Delilah, you just went twenty minutes ago!

  Delilah : Well, I'm sorry, but we just passed a lake and whenever I see water, it makes me gotta go!

• [Vivian reads a story that she wrote] 

  Vivian : It was morning in the meadow. Flopsy the bunny saw her bunny boyfriend on the other side of the lane, down the hill, past the glen. Hop, hop, hop! Flopsy ran after him with her little nose a-twitching. Then a semi came barreling down the road and ran her over. Later...

  Alex : Hold it, Vivian! What kind of story is that?

  Vivian : A children's story.

  Bree : Well, it's cruel!

  Vivian : Life's cruel! The sooner kids learn it, the better.

  Mother Buchanan : I hope you don't read that trash to my grandchildren. I'm sure that it would traumatize Lyndon and P.J.

  Vivian : Traumatize them? It was their idea! Of course, it was my idea to call the dead bunny Flopsy... instead of Grandma.

• [the ladies walk into a funeral home] 

  Delilah : Where is everybody?

  Mother Buchanan : I don't know. They must be in another chapel.

  Bree : There are other chapels?

  Mother Buchanan : Well yes, Bree, it's a funeral home. There are three or four chapels and there are funerals going on in all of them.

  Bree : So there are three or four other dead bodies in this building?

  Mother Buchanan : Yes.

  Bree : Way cool!

• Delilah : We just missed the dumb funeral. We can all go home.

  Mother Buchanan : The funeral is not dumb and we did not miss it. And we'll go home over my dead body!

  [Vivian reaches for Mother Buchanan's neck] 

  Alex : Vivian, don't even think about it.

  Vivian : Come on, Alex, we're right here!

• Mother Buchanan : My lord! What does it take for the four of you to go to the funeral of an old woman?

  Alex : The RIGHT old woman.

• [everyone is wearing matching nightgowns] 

  Vivian : Alright, whose bright idea was it to send Bree out to buy the nightgowns?

  Bree : I don't know what your problem is. I look cute as a button in mine!

  Mother Buchanan : You do not. You look stupid, just like the rest of us.

• [Six pallbearers wheel an enormous wooden box into a funeral] 

  Alex : Yeah, is there anything unusual you wanted to tell us about Great Aunt Velma?

  Mother Buchanan : Like what?

  Alex : Well, like, uh... Was she ever in Ripley's Believe It Or Not?

  Mother Buchanan : If you're referring to her size, yes, she had something of a weight problem.

  Vivian : Something of a weight problem? The woman's in a packing crate!

  Mother Buchanan : I told you all that she weighed 650 pounds.

  Delilah : Noooo, I think we would have remembered that!