The 5 Mrs. Buchanans (TV Series)

Never on the Road Again (1995)

Judith Ivey: Alex Buchanan

Quotes 

• Delilah : Guess what? I was just down at the market and I saw Patsy Strickland, and she told me that Jeopardy is auditioning contestants tomorrow in Indianapolis, so I'm gonna go down and try out!

  Alex : Delilah, that's, uh... Uh, that's, uh... Jeopardy, huh?

  Delilah : Yeah, I am so excited about it! I mean, this is my chance to prove to people that I'm not just another dumb blonde.

  Vivian : Well, Delilah, we all know that you have your areas of knowledge, but they do have all those categories! I mean, geography? Science? What are you gonna do if they ask you about opera?

  [Delilah takes a moment] 

  Delilah : "Who is a black talk show host?"

  Alex : Wear something pretty.

• Vivian : I've written a children's story and I'm meeting with a magazine editor tomorrow.

  Alex : Vivian! I had to idea you were interested in creative writing.

  Vivian : Oh, well, you know, it's not like it's great literature. The baby chick gets lost here, he tracks a little worm there - blah, blah, boo-hoo, the little monsters will eat it up and I'll make a bundle!

  Alex : Gosh, it's like having Dr. Seuss right here in my kitchen.

• [Vivian reads a story that she wrote] 

  Vivian : It was morning in the meadow. Flopsy the bunny saw her bunny boyfriend on the other side of the lane, down the hill, past the glen. Hop, hop, hop! Flopsy ran after him with her little nose a-twitching. Then a semi came barreling down the road and ran her over. Later...

  Alex : Hold it, Vivian! What kind of story is that?

  Vivian : A children's story.

  Bree : Well, it's cruel!

  Vivian : Life's cruel! The sooner kids learn it, the better.

  Mother Buchanan : I hope you don't read that trash to my grandchildren. I'm sure that it would traumatize Lyndon and P.J.

  Vivian : Traumatize them? It was their idea! Of course, it was my idea to call the dead bunny Flopsy... instead of Grandma.

• Delilah : Oh, girls, am I in trouble! I just went in the ladies room but it's out of order!

  Vivian : Then use the men's room.

  Delilah : I can't do that!

  Alex : Sure you can, it's an emergency. Just knock on the door and go in. The men will understand.

  Delilah : Okay, I'll just knock on the door and go on in. We'll all just be adults about it... Oh God, I hope I don't see anybody's dinky!

• Alex : Bree, what are you doing?

  Bree : I'm waving back at those two men.

  Alex : Well, stop it! They'll think you're flirting with them.

  Bree : Why would they think that? They're disgusting.

  Vivian : They're truckers. They don't know they're disgusting.

• Vivian : There is a roach the size of a Shetland Pony under this table.

  Alex : Oh Vivian, is it really that big?

  Vivian : He stole my shoe!

• Delilah : We just missed the dumb funeral. We can all go home.

  Mother Buchanan : The funeral is not dumb and we did not miss it. And we'll go home over my dead body!

  [Vivian reaches for Mother Buchanan's neck] 

  Alex : Vivian, don't even think about it.

  Vivian : Come on, Alex, we're right here!

• Alex : Today is the day from hell! I mean, first I get a ticket, then we run out of gas, then my car gets stolen! My only consolation is that in a few hours this hideous day will be behind us like some bad dream!

  Funeral Home Worker : Uh, if you're here for the Velma Buchanan funeral, it's been postponed.

  Alex : That never ends!

• Mother Buchanan : My lord! What does it take for the four of you to go to the funeral of an old woman?

  Alex : The RIGHT old woman.

• Alex : This is ridiculous! I can't believe this is the only motel with a vacancy in this entire hayseed county.

  Vivian : Yeah, Great Aunt Velma just had to die the same weekend Hee-Haw Live was in town.

• Alex : Delilah's right, Vivian. Ever since the three of us have known each other, you have always acted so superior.

  Bree : Three of us? Hello? I'm in this family too, but no one ever notices me.

  Alex : We don't have to. You notice you enough for all of us.

  Bree : What's that supposed to mean?

  Delilah : It means you never met a mirror you didn't like.

• [Six pallbearers wheel an enormous wooden box into a funeral] 

  Alex : Yeah, is there anything unusual you wanted to tell us about Great Aunt Velma?

  Mother Buchanan : Like what?

  Alex : Well, like, uh... Was she ever in Ripley's Believe It Or Not?

  Mother Buchanan : If you're referring to her size, yes, she had something of a weight problem.

  Vivian : Something of a weight problem? The woman's in a packing crate!

  Mother Buchanan : I told you all that she weighed 650 pounds.

  Delilah : Noooo, I think we would have remembered that!