- Daphne: Wow. I don't see the three of you watching the same show very often. What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon?
- [Frasier, Martin, and Niles are all watching "The Antiques Roadshow."]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [coming back from the kitchen] Dad, did we miss anything?
- Martin Crane: Nah, just some bozo with a credenza who doesn't know a Biedermeier from an Oscar Meyer.
- [They all laugh]
- [SPOILER]
- Dr. Myshkin: Well, on behalf of the Russian people, I thank you for retrieving this for us.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You mean, you're just going to take it?
- Dr. Myshkin: Well, it's rightful place is in the Hermitage Museum.
- Dr. Niles Crane: But this clock has been in our family for generations...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!
- [Frasier motions him to stand in front of the door]
- Dr. Myshkin: Dr. Crane, we could settle this in the courts, but you wouldn't win. Do you really want this to come out in the press?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, do you expect us to just let you walk out of here with a precious family heirloom?
- Dr. Myshkin: Did I mention that your ancestor, before she married a Noah Crane in 1882, worked as a prostitute in New York?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: ...Enjoy your bear.
- Appraiser: [the guys are watching "Antiques Roadshow" and playing a drinking game] The real clue here is the veneer.
- Martin Crane, Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Niles Crane: Veneer!
- [they all take a sip of alcohol]
- Dr. Niles Crane: [watching the Antiques Roadshow with Martin] It's amazing, he used the term 'craftsman' and meant it in the architectural sense instead of the rotary sander.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That's uncanny.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well you heard him.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No, that you used the term 'rotary sander'.
- Martin Crane: [to Niles and Frasier] Well, I gotta go call Duke. But don't get excited, he's not a real duke!
- Dr. Niles Crane: I am so sorry, but on the way in, I had the most amazing celebrity sighting: Hans Dietrich.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [thrilled] The loveseat expert?
- Dr. Niles Crane: The very same.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Get out!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well Niles, how goes the research?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, I think you're going to be very pleased. According to this catalogue of Russian antiquities, the bear clock was last seen in Moscow in 1879.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, hold on to your fur hat, Niles. I just discovered that our great-great grandmother emigrated from Russia... in 1879!
- Dr. Niles Crane: My God, it's all coming together. I can practically picture the scene.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Our great-great grandmama, smelling revolution in the wind...
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Secretly slips away in the black Russian night...
- Dr. Niles Crane: Taking the bear clock with her to remind her of better days.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes! The ticking hands of time counting down her return, her royal power merely hibernating.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Our cousin Dotty's wedding was last week... oh, excuse me, Cousin Dotty's "weddin'". A Western theme. On the response card, it asked for our chili preference: "mild" or "kick-ass."
- Martin Crane: Well I guess you would have found out anyway after I died. We're royalty... but, I didn't want you to grow up spoiled, so I abdicated and took a job in Seattle on the police force.
- [Martin, Frasier, and Niles are excited to attend "The Antiques Roadshow"'s appearance in Seattle]
- Martin Crane: Yeah, I'm going to go and have a little root around in our closet. I bet I can find a nice little objet d'art they'd be interested in.
- [He exits, leaving Frasier and Niles stunned by his correct French pronunciation]
- Dr. Niles Crane: It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie granting all my wishes.
- Daphne: Would you marry me in this?
- [Daphne enters wearing Donny's mother's wedding dress, which looks like it belongs on a go-go dancer. Niles nearly faints]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [whispers] How much did you give him?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Roz is on a laptop] Oh, what are you up to?
- Roz Doyle: Oh, they put in phone jacks so you can go on-line. I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great.
- [Frasier sighs at the idea]
- Roz Doyle: What? I'm a very busy person, how else am I going to meet people?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: It just seems so impersonal, Roz. God, what ever happened to human contact? Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye.
- Roz Doyle: There's your dad.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [turns away] Don't let him see me!
- Dr. Myshkin: Yes, that was her plan, but when Sonia found her way to the train station under the cover of night, the scullery maid absconded with everything, including the clock.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Servants!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: There's a back, aching for the lash!
- Daphne: I'm moving as fast as I can!