Frasier (TV Series)

Crock Tales (2004)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roz : How's your new girlfriend?

  Frasier : I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane and I believe she's feeling the effects of the altitude.

  Roz : Is one of them nausea? Cause I'm getting that right now.

• Frasier : [referring to Niles's sex life]  You know the "S.S. Ain't Gettin' Any"? Man overboard!

• [on the Fourth of July, Frasier looks at his balcony rail] 

  Frasier : Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It's supposed to drape evenly. Oh, for God's sakes.

  Daphne : You're not going to send me back to the Space Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you?

• Frasier : [reads the label]  "With pasteurized, processed, cheese-flavored snack food."

  [opens the lid] 

  Frasier : Dear God, it looks like someone melted down a highway cone.

• Frasier : Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.

  Niles : Oh, you're right! I should count my blessings: I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce. Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil's own apartment complex. Where, last night, they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets.

• [Locked out on Frasier's balcony before a Fourth of July parade] 

  Roz : This sucks, I don't even have my cell phone. Don't you have your cell phone, Frasier?

  Frasier : Roz, I'm Uncle Sam, I don't have a cell phone. I shouldn't even have this zipper.

• Frasier : All I said to Maris was, "Why the long face?"

  Niles : Yes, and now, thanks to you, she's on the phone to her chin grinder in Zurich.

• Frasier : Oh, hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous.

  Daphne : Thank you! Now I wouldn't normally wear polyester on the hottest day of the year, but some English friends of mine are having an Ugly American party in honor of the Fourth.

  [masculine American accent] 

  Daphne : We're gonna toss back a couple a' cold brewskis, watch the ball game, and not use the metric system.

• Daphne : Hello!

  Frasier : Oh, hi!

  [kisses her cheek and hugs her] 

  Frasier : How was the honeymoon?

  Daphne : Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise - except for poor Niles getting sunburned.

  Frasier : [Niles staggers in]  Oh dear, Niles. You look like you've crawled out of a bisque.

  Niles : And you look like someone who doesn't want his Paul Gauguin souvenir oven mitt.

  Frasier : Niles, you remembered.

• Frasier : Oh Daphne, my bath salts man has just delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend--could you please run me a tub tonight?

• Daphne : Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!

  Niles : You do?

  Daphne : Not you, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!

  Frasier : What?

  Daphne : After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!

• Martin Crane : It's 14.

  Frasier : What?

  Martin Crane : You're reading about Jack Russel terriers, right? Thats how many years they live, 14.