- Niles: You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! If this were another era, I'd horsewhip you!
- Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about?
- Niles: You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me!
- Frasier: Caroline was your patient?
- Niles: Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.
- [after exiting the apartment during a blackout, Niles bursts back in, gasping for breath]
- Niles: Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!
- [having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs]
- Frasier: No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.
- Daphne: Oh, don't be a party pooper.
- Martin: Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.
- Frasier: Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.
- [playing a game called "I'm the Dullest Person"]
- Frasier: If I was going to go I would say, "I am the dullest person because I have never been on a rollercoaster." All right? And then all of you that have been on a rollercoaster would give me a penny. Now we all have our pennies. Who would like to go first? Daphne?
- Daphne: I can't think of anything.
- Frasier: Of course you can. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind. I'm the dullest person because...
- Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Because I've never made love in a lift or a phone booth or on an aeroplane or a merry-go-round.
- Frasier: Okay, that's good, but strategically speaking that's not the best way to get our pennies. You see, it should be something that someone else might have actually...
- [Roz throws in a penny]
- Frasier: ...done.
- [Roz throws in three more pennies while everyone else stares at her]
- Roz: I was in college, I was trying to find myself!
- Niles: All you needed to do was look under the nearest man.
- Roz: The blackout hit just as the elevator doors opened on the fourteenth floor. So I stood in the hallway trying to decide whether to come back in here with you guys or take my chances on the pitch-black streets with the muggers and the weirdos. So I went down a couple of flights, and then I changed my mind. Meanwhile someone's probably looting my apartment!
- Niles: Yes, I hear there's a thriving black market in badly-designed Formica coffee tables.
- Roz: At least I have my own sense of style. You won't even buy a chair unless some fey French aristocrat has sat his fat satin fanny in it!
- Niles: Louis the Fourteenth was not fey! Everyone wore garters in the eighteenth century!
- Niles: Well, this blackout could go on all night. It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope it isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string!
- Frasier: You know, what we need to do? We need to liven things up a little bit. How about a game? What was that game we played at the Rambican's when they were costuming their servants for the living chess match?
- Frasier: Listen, Dad. You can still travel. You can. You can't walk around Paris - you can sit at a nice café and let Paris walk past you. Maybe buy a glass of wine for a beautiful Mademoiselle. Get yourself a nice bottle of imported beer.
- Martin: I only like Ballantines.
- Frasier: In Paris, Ballantine's is imported beer.
- Frasier: You know you're not really mad at me, Niles. You know I didn't tell that woman to leave you. I merely suggested it as an option. It was all her choice. Could it be that you're really upset just because you couldn't help that woman?
- Niles: You know, I really hate that. When you take a simple criticism and you turn it back on me.
- Frasier: I think I'm right.
- Niles: Well, of course you're right. Why do you think I hate it?