Frasier (TV Series)

Death and the Dog (1997)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• [talking about death] 

  Martin : You think about that too? I thought it was just me.

  Frasier : Everybody thinks about it.

  Martin : Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?

  Frasier : No, that's just you.

• Frasier : [a doggie shrink has come to examine depressed Eddie]  I don't whether my father told you, but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists.

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : Oh, how nice, I always enjoy being in company of colleages.

  Niles : I'm sorry, did you say 'colleages' or 'Collies?'

  [Niles and Frasier laugh] 

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : [gives them a snide look]  Very clever, very clever. So, shall we begin?

  [to Eddie] 

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : Hello, Eddie, I'm Dr. Shaw. And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. You're very sad, aren't you? It's okay to be sad, sometimes I'm sad, too. We're going to spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad.

  Frasier : If you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven!

  [He and Niles laugh again] 

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : I'm sorry, I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously.

  Frasier : I apologize; it all just seems a bit silly.

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : Silly? I have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarlen whose owners felt the same way.

  [Niles and Frasier stifle snickers and Martin waves his cane at them] 

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : First, I'd like to administer a dog personality profile quiz I developed. My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave if you were a human being.

  Frasier : Oh boy!

  Niles : Here we go!

  Daphne Moon : [whisper to boys:]  Shush, this isn't a joke! This is very serious.

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve?

  Martin : I'd say meatloaf. Not the plain kind, but the one with the fancy tomato soup glaze on top.

  Niles : It might be a bit underdone though, he has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove.

  [He and Frasier laugh] 

  Daphne Moon : Poached salmon... I don't know why!

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : Interesting. Question two: What do you imagine human Eddie's first words to be?

  Frasier : Well, I should hope: 'Give me a breath mint!'

  [laughs] 

  Frasier : I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Right, next one.

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne?

  Martin : Aqua Velva... It's a little strong but I think he can pull it off.

  Daphne Moon : Grey Flannel... I don't know why!

  Frasier : Cologne? Well, actually I think he would prefer toilet water!

  Niles : By the way, same answer for favorite beverage!

  [He and Frasier laugh loudly and high-five each other] 

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.

  Frasier : Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see the point. What is any of this telling you about Eddie?

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : The point was not to learn about Eddie but was to learn about all of you and might I say...

  [glares at the brothers] 

  Dr. Arnold Shaw : mission accomplished!

• Martin : [Waiting for the doggie shrink]  What's keeping this guy? He should have been here be now.

  Frasier : Perhaps he's being detained by his "Fear of Fetching" group.