Frasier (TV Series)

Everyone's a Critic (1999)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Niles Crane : Olga and I were up till all hours at a party for the Royal Shakespeare Company. I'm rubbing pretty impressive shoulders these days. And to think it's all because I have a small column.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : That would certainly be the Freudian interpretation!

• Martin Crane : Remember last week when Eddie killed his first rat? And how proud I was? I told you that story, right?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, Dad, you told us. If you had a guitar you would have written a ballad.

  Martin Crane : Well, we were just down in the basement and I saw another rat. I said, "go get him, boy!" So just as he picked him up, had him in his teeth, shaking the life out of him, and I hear this little bell, ting-a-ling. And I thought, "that's funny - rats don't wear bells!"

  Daphne Moon : Oh, little Robbie Greenberg's missing hamster.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, I read that flyer. He was offering a ten dollar reward.

  Martin Crane : Well, the most we can claim at this point is about six-fifty.

• Roz Doyle : I see Poppy's having a little party.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : That is not a party. That's a hostage situation.

• Dr. Niles Crane : You just can't stand it that my opinion means more than yours. That the arts community looks to me for my insight, my approval, my thumbs-up.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I think we both know what your thumb's up these days!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : We don't want to be late for the curtain.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Don't be silly, I'm press now. They'll hold it.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Prepare to whoop like a sweepstakes winner! Cancel our dinner! I've scored us two seats, front row, for the event of the season!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You mean...?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Yes!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : But...?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I know!

  [proudly holds up tickets] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles!

  Martin Crane : [to Daphne]  I love when they do it this way, I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.

• Martin Crane : So, are you sure you're okay with Niles getting this critic job?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Why wouldn't I be, Dad?

  Martin Crane : Oh, come on, I know what it's like with you two when one of you gets something the other one doesn't have. It's like when you were kids. Niles got a telescope, so you had to have a telescope. You got that funny little guitar, Niles...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, it was called a lute!

  Martin Crane : Oh yeah, whatever.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : My God, it's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert! My God, they've been sold out for months. How on earth did you score these tickets?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I simply phoned the box office and said this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for The Monocle.

  Daphne Moon : The Monocle. Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings?

  Dr. Niles Crane : And the snootiest hotels.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : How could this happen, Niles?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Suerbread. The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed. Until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [indignant]  I assume you pounced?

  Dr. Niles Crane : [dignified]  Like a ninja! By the time I had finished with him, Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur.

  Daphne Moon : She fired him right there?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.

• Dr. Niles Crane : You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I don't have what you have. My audience is twice as large as yours is!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, at least my audience can read!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : How dare you review my audience!

  Dr. Niles Crane : I'll review anything I want to!

• Dr. Niles Crane : If it's any consolation, I got fired from "The Monocle."

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles, I'm sorry.

  Dr. Niles Crane : I panned a wretched musical, not realizing the lead was the person who does Olga's hair.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : She fired you just to placate her hairdresser?

  Dr. Niles Crane : Electrolysist. And if you'd ever seen her in a sundress, you'd forgive her as I have.