Frasier (TV Series)

Love Bites Dog (1996)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• [Bulldog has locked himself in a toilet cubicle] 

  Roz : [as Niles comes in]  Bulldog, if you don't come out of there in the next ten seconds I'm gonna reach in there and pull you out by your ankles.

  Niles : Hello, Roz, playing hard to get?

• Bulldog : [Frasier is trying to snap Bulldog out of it]  Doc, Doc, you're hurting my head here. Can you stop being a shrink and just be like a guy?

  Frasier : [to himself]  Like a guy. Like a guy.

  [pauses] 

  Frasier : SCREW HER!

  Bulldog : What?

  Frasier : [angrily]  Yeah, you don't need her. She's trash!

  Bulldog : Yeah, that's right.

  Frasier : You're better off without her; We both are!

  Bulldog : I like the sound of this.

  Frasier : Yeah, so do I! Unattractive, yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit.

  [realizing he's going off-track] 

  Frasier : I'm sorry. SHE'S A BITCH!

  Bulldog : Hey, she wasn't even that hot!

  Frasier : You're right. All she did was save you the trouble of having to dump her!

  Bulldog : [cheering up]  I never thought about that.

  Frasier : There you go!

  Bulldog : I'm feeling a little better, Doc!

  Frasier : That's right!

  Bulldog : Thanks. It's great talking to you!

  [holds out his hand] 

  Frasier : [shaking his hand]  Likewise. You know, I could talk like this for another thirty seconds.

  Frasier : [walking back in the booth with Bulldog]  She was nothing! She was less than nothing! Tomorrow you're gonna find someone even hotter and you know what you're gonna do?

  Bulldog : What?

  Frasier : You're gonna have your fun with her and then you're gonna dump her just for the hell of it!

  Bulldog : Yeah, dump her!

  Frasier : And you know what? You're not gonna feel bad about it at all. You know why? Because we're GUYS and THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO!

  [walks out of booth] 

  Niles : [in corridor]  Distressing news, Frasier. Francois gave away our table.

  Frasier : SCREW HIM!

  Niles : [shocked]  Excuse me?

  Frasier : You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town. I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation!

  [Niles slaps him, snapping him out of his Bulldog mode] 

  Frasier : Thank you.

• Niles : I had an abysmal day. Remember the ad I placed?

  Frasier : Oh yes, "Niles Crane, Jung specialist" blah blah blah.

  Niles : Well, they made a tiny little typo. See if you can find it.

  Frasier : [reads ad]  "Niles Crane... Hung specialist." Oh, my!

  Niles : The rest they got perfectly. "Servicing individuals, couples... groups... Satisfaction guaranteed... Tell me where it hurts."

  Frasier : Yes, well... any calls?

  Niles : It's a telethon, Frasier.

• Frasier : You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner and a lot of martinis?

  Niles : Sounds great, except for the dinner part.

• Niles : You poor man. Help is at hand!

  Bulldog : [from inside bathroom stall]  No. No shrinks. I hate shrinks. You're all a bunch of wimps... weirdos.

  [comes out the stall and collapses in tears on Niles' shoulder] 

  Bulldog : Help me!

  Niles : There, there. I'm here for you.

  [pushes Bulldog away] 

  Niles : And you're over there for me.

• Niles : Obviously the time has come for me to expand my practice, so I'm placing an ad in the Seattle "Style" magazine.

  Frasier : An advertisement? Isn't that a bit commercial for a psychiatrist?

  Niles : Said Dr. Pot to Dr. Kettle.

• Frasier : Well, I think you should be happy that one of your patients feels healthy enough to terminate his therapy.

  Niles : I would, but it's happened so often lately I find myself in financial straits. Deep financial straits. Look at this belt:

  [opens up his jacket before whispering] 

  Niles : Spanish leather!

  Frasier : Yes, well if Mr. Blackwell comes in I'll create a diversion, you can make a dash for it.