- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, we've got about thirty seconds, I think we've got time for one quick call. Hello, Marlene. I'm listening.
- Marlene: Oh my God! I'm really on?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, your problem, please...
- [sound of dog barking]
- Marlene: Lucky, Lucky, get down! George, get the dog! Oh my god, this is so exciting!
- [sound of baby crying]
- Marlene: Honey, honey, get the baby. George, get your son! Okay, okay, here it is, Dr. Crane. If my husband and I don't find some time to have sex soon, I think I'm gonna burst. I may even have to go to a department store and pick up a stranger.
- [sound of man calling "Hello!"]
- Marlene: Oh, kids! Look who's here without calling first, Nana and Pop Pop!
- [sighs]
- Marlene: I'll call you back.
- [hangs up]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, to all you Marlenes out there, let me just say that sex with a stranger is not the answer. Why don't you just pack the kids off with Nana and Pop Pop, lock Lucky downstairs in the basement, grab your husband, take him to the sturdiest kitchen table you have, and let the postman ring twice!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, I do not care to know how hard Daphne made you exercise, or about the boring foreign film Niles made you sit through, or about the progress of Eddie's on-again, off-again romance with the ottoman!
- Lacey Lloyd: [with husband] If there's anything we can do to cheer you up, just let us know.
- Niles: [aside] Perhaps a murder-suicide pact.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Apparently Maris is going on a three-week cruise. Her friends threw her a bon voyage party. Look at the photo. It's Maris on the arm of Pierson Broadwater.
- Daphne Moon: Oh, Dr. Crane, look! She's just standing there, barely touching him, with only the tiniest bit of a smile on her face!
- Dr. Niles Crane: I know, you can practically hear the zing-zing-zing of her heartstrings!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Now to the rest of my listeners, I'll be off on vacation for the next week. So please tune in to my replacement, the noted podiatrist Dr. Gareth Wooten. He'll be discussing the virtues of his new book, "Bunions and Blisters and Corns." Oh my!
- Roz Doyle: [as Frasier leaves for his vacation] And don't forget to bring me a present.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll get you a nice t-shirt from colonial Williamsburg.
- Roz Doyle: You're taking Frederick to Williamsburg? Eew!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No, it's a wonderful vacation spot. We're going to dip candles, tan leather, churn butter...
- Roz Doyle: Hey, Frederick Crane! You just finished the first grade! What are you going to do now? "I'm going to Butterworld!"
- Lacey Lloyd: Niles, dear! How are you!
- Niles: Just fine, thanks.
- Lacey Lloyd: Andrew, say hello to Niles.
- Andrew Lloyd: Haven't seen you for ages. Feel just terrible about you and Maris.
- Lacey Lloyd: Oh yes, we were just devastated. Positively everyone's talking about it.
- Niles: Oh, and how is positively everyone?
- Lacey Lloyd: Devastated.
- Martin: When I was separated from your mother, there was this pretty coroner in the city morgue. I always had a bit of a crush on her. So whenever we'd find a dead body, I'd yell out, "OK boys, I'll take it from here!" So one night, I invited her down to the corner bar.
- Niles: Coroners have their own bars?
- [last lines]
- Daphne: [Niles is holding a woman's phone number. Daphne approaches, coat in hand] Well, are you ready?
- Niles: [looking at the card] No, I don't think I am.
- Daphne: [He drops it on the table] I beg your pardon?
- Niles: Er, I mean yes. Uh, let's go.
- Daphne: [She takes his arm, and they start to leave the room] Well, we certainly had fun tonight, didn't we?
- Niles: [laughing wryly] We certainly did.
- Daphne: And to think you almost didn't come to the ball! You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things.
- Niles: [pauses and removes Daphne's arm from his] Excuse me.
- [Turning back to the table, he picks up the card, puts it in his jacket pocket, returns to Daphne's side and offers his arm. He smiles]
- Niles: I'm ready now.
- [They leave]
- Martin: You know, it wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too.
- Niles: If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath. Women don't exactly find me irresistible.
- Martin: Oh, come on, Niles. You've had lots of girlfriends.
- Niles: Oh, let's count. There's Maris.
- [Long pause]
- Niles: Oh, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica.
- [Another pause]
- Niles: I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.
- Niles: This morning I spoke to Marta, my ex-maid and current mole. She reports that Broadwater is just the latest in a parade of escorts. The gigolos are swarming around Maris like ants on a Snickers bar!
- Martin: Well, wait a minute, that's good news. If she's seeing a whole bunch of people, that means she's not serious about anyone.
- Niles: You think?
- Martin: Yeah, sure! They're probably just her escorts. You know how she loves going to parties.
- Niles: Yes. And she never liked going anywhere alone. Except to bed.