- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Roz are playing Mr. and Mrs. Claus.] Oh, Roz! There you are, I was beginning to worry about you.
- Roz Doyle: Well, you should have! I am on the verge of a complete breakdown! Shopping was a disaster! And when I went to slip into this darling little costume, my pants split.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh!
- Roz Doyle: And on top of all that, I can't stop thinking about my mom! How am I going to tell her
- [that she's pregnant]
- Roz Doyle: ?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Roz, if you'd like, I could tell her for you.
- Roz Doyle: Are you kidding? She's gonna be mad enough that *I* waited three months to tell her, the only thing worse would be to hear it from someone else!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's entirely possible she already knows.
- Roz Doyle: No way, the only person who knows she's spoken to is you--Oh my God! Frasier!!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [welcoming first girl] OK! Ho-ho-ho, who's first?
- Roz Doyle: What is wrong with you? I'm going to kill you!
- Sally: You're going to kill Santa?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No, little girl, Mrs. Claus just wants to *kiss* me.
- Roz Doyle: Yeah, I'll kiss you. Come 'ere, I'll kiss you good!
- Martin Crane: [Martin talking on the phone about Christmas pageant as Daphne, who thinks he's dying, enters] Well, you know, I'm terrified about this, Father. All this came around so sudden. I'm not prepared. Now tell me again what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus the first time?
- [Daphne fights back tears]
- Martin Crane: Oh hi, Daphne!
- Daphne Moon: [brave smile] Hello! I'm just so excited about the gift I just got for you, Mr. Crane.
- Martin Crane: Oh, Great!
- Daphne Moon: Why don't you open it now?
- Martin Crane: Oh, I'd love to, but to tell you the truth, I don't really have much time, I'm kind of on my way out.
- [Daphne starts to cry]
- Martin Crane: Oh, OK, all right! I'll open it now, sure, sure. I don't want to get you upset! You must be really excited about this!
- Martin Crane: [pulls gaudy sweater out of gift bag] Oh, wow! It's that sweater! The one I pointed out to you in that window! It's great! Boy, I can die a happy man now!
- [Daphne bursts into tears]
- Martin Crane: Daphne, what's the matter, are you all right?
- Daphne Moon: Oh, Mr. Crane, I know why you've been going down to that church!
- Martin Crane: You do? Well, you're not supposed to know about that! But why is it making you so upset?
- Daphne Moon: Because I care about you! You were actually going to let this whole thing happen without ever telling a soul!
- Martin Crane: Well, yes! I don't want people staring at me in church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.
- Daphne Moon: [He goes to get his coat. Daphne sinks onto the couch, crying] So... how much time have you got?
- Martin Crane: Uh, about twenty minutes.
- Daphne Moon: Twenty minutes?
- Martin Crane: Yeah, and boy, will I be glad when it's all over. This is the last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for!
- Daphne Moon: You're in a Christmas pageant?
- Martin Crane: Well, yeah! What did you think I was talking about?
- Daphne Moon: I thought you were dying!
- Martin Crane: What?
- Daphne Moon: Well, you'd just got your test results back, you're down at the church all the time.
- [Martin starts to laugh]
- Daphne Moon: Why are you laughing?
- Martin Crane: Well, it's funny!
- Daphne Moon: I don't think it's so bloody funny!
- Martin Crane: Are you kidding?
- [acts as if hanged]
- Martin Crane: Oh, I'm dying!
- Daphne Moon: You will be!
- [hurls a pillow at him]
- Martin Crane: [coming home from the church performance] I hate Christmas, I hate singing, and I'm going to bed.
- Martin Crane: [trying to hit a high note] O niiiiiiiggggghhhhhht, DEVIIIIIIIINE!
- [tenant below pounds on the ceiling]
- Martin Crane: Oh shut up!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I want my gifts to be remembered and cherished long after the holidays.
- Martin Crane: Well you know, nothing is cherished quite so much as the gift of laughter.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: If you want that highway patrol bloopers tape, you'll have to buy it yourself.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [after being pushed through the elevator's trap door] No, not to worry. I landed in a nice, soft puddle of grease.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [screaming at his family] This is the night we celebrate peace and togetherness! I will not have that ruined!
- Dr. Niles Crane: [Having to climb a Christmas tree in a good suit] Fine. I suppose in times of crisis, someone must step forward and be a hero. Today that man is Niles Crane! Tomorrow, it will be my dry cleaner, Mr. Lee.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Dad! You're not going to drink that that way, are you?
- Martin Crane: Why?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier opens the cupboard and takes out some spices to enflavor Martin's egg-nog] My goodness, the first mistake in eggnog preparation is failing to garnish it properly with a dash of nutmeg.
- [Frasier sprinkles some on]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: There we are.
- Martin Crane: Oh!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Martin takes a sip and spits it out in a fit of coughing. Frasier checks the jar] Of course, the second mistake is placing the paprika next to the nutmeg on the spice shelf.