Frasier (TV Series)
Radio Wars (1999)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Quotes
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Niles : I see your "Bartlett's" is out. You're not pulling any punches!
Frasier : Hardly. I go in swinging with La Rochéfoucauld: "If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others."
Niles : [boxing-match style] Ouch!
Frasier : And when I've knocked them reeling, I go in with a jab of Dorothy Parker: "Wit has truth in it, wise-cracking is merely calisthenics with words."
Niles : Pow!
Frasier : And when they're bloody and against the ropes, I go in with the kill -
[shadow-boxing]
Frasier : Twain, Wilde, Twain, Twain, Mencken!
Niles : [Simulates getting pummeled] It's not a fight, it's an execution!
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[Carlos and the Chicken have offered a cash prize for the best photo of Frasier's butt]
Frasier : [rushing into his apartment] Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some respect!
Martin : Was that Mrs. Curdsman?
Frasier : She dropped her medication in the hallway. As I stooped to pick it up, out came her camera like an assassin's blade!
[holds up pill bottle]
Frasier : Well, if she wants to control those blood clots, she'll cough up that film!
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Martin : People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.
Frasier : In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.
Niles : Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.
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Frasier : Oh, Daphne, Daphne! Tell us, do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
Daphne Moon : That's it! I'm getting my door soundproofed.
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Martin : My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, The Avengers . You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella... Steve.
Frasier : Steed!
Niles : Dad!
Frasier : There were worse role models. Steed was dapper and witty. When anybody tried to give him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with his umbrella.
Martin : Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.
Frasier : Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
Niles : I remember getting a chin strap, so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
Martin : And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.
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Martin : [on phone with Duke] No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for the fight?
[turns so Frasier can hear]
Martin : That's a great son you've got there, Duke.
Daphne Moon : [opens door for Niles] Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Niles : Hello, Daphne, Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans re-seasoned.
[Martin quickly turns away the phone so Duke doesn't hear]
Frasier : Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.
[Martin turns the other way]
Martin : [laughs] No, no, it's just Daphne, she's watching PBS.
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The Chicken : [simulating Frasier and Roz having sex on the radio] Oh my God, they're changing positions!
Carlos : I've never seen that one before.
[plays back tape recording of Frasier on the phone]
Frasier : Love enters through the nose.
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Frasier : Leave me alone! For god's sake, have some respect!
