Frasier (TV Series)

The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl (1995)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roz Doyle : [In the studio the morning after Frasier's on-air romp with Kate]  Okay, *Fabio.* I want two things. One: you will never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if I start dating a lumber camp.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Done.

  Roz Doyle : And two: Who's 'Dirty Girl'?

  [smiles] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I *can't* tell you that.

  Roz Doyle : Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul!

  [the phone rings. Roz answers it] 

  Roz Doyle : Yes?

  [turns away from Frasier] 

  Roz Doyle : Not yet, I'll call you back.

  [She puts the phone down and gets a glare from Frasier. Bulldog enters] 

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : Doc? I got one thing to say to you.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Go ahead, take your best shot.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : [in genuine admiration]  I am so proud of you, man!

  [He hugs a very unmoved Frasier] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [sarcastic]  Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the parfait.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Bulldog, haven't you already seen?

  [points to newspapers] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I've told half a dozen reporters that I'm not going to name names.

  Roz Doyle : [picks up a newspaper and shows it to Bulldog]  Don't you see this right here?

  [reads] 

  Roz Doyle : 'I Won't Fink, Says Kinky Shrink.'

  [Roz and Bulldog laugh; Frasier looks fed up. Roz leaves for her booth. A very uncomfortable-looking Kate creeps in through the side door] 

  Kate Costas : Good afternoon, Dr Crane.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Ms. Costas.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : [to Kate]  Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his playmate was.

  Kate Costas : [pained]  Bulldog, this is really none of your business.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz.

  [Roz, who has just returned, is outraged] 

  Roz Doyle : What? Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the air! What kind of slut do they think I am?

  [Kate looks extremely uncomfortable] 

  Kate Costas : Dr Crane, could I have a word with you in private?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Er, I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.

  Kate Costas : Actually you don't. I'm suspending you for a week. Bulldog, you're going on. Roz - you'll have to produce.

  Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe : All right!

  [He slaps Roz's butt enthusiastically; Roz hits him in the stomach with her clipboard] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Kate]  I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things considered.

  Kate Costas : Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.

  [She leaves] 

• [Martin and Daphne are playing dominoes and listening to the radio] 

  Announcer : In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of taking bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the Congressman said...

  [Frasier's voice cuts in] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes! YES! I am a bad boy, aren't I, you dirty girl! Come to your bad boy, oh *yes*...!

  [Martin and Daphne stare at the radio; cut to Niles, listening to this in his car] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, no! Is that the on-air light?

  Kate Costas : Stop talking.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were...

  Kate Costas : Stop talking.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : We'd better hurry up and get dressed before...

  Niles : STOP TALKING!

  [distracted, he looks up, and brakes hard, but crashes into the car in front of him] 

• [Kate assigns Frasier to work the 8-10 shift] 

  Roz Doyle : She thinks we're all as happy to work at night as she is. You're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold, repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever. Can't you help her?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [deadpan]  I've tried, Roz.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a night of passion...

  Daphne Moon : What, you and me?

  [laughs] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes!

  Daphne Moon : What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [annoyed]  It's a hypothetical question!

  Daphne Moon : I'll say it is!

  [laughs again] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, all right, somebody else! So, you have a mad tryst with this young man and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say?

  Daphne Moon : I suppose I'd say: "Thanks for being honest. Probably right, we were moving fast."

  [suddenly bitter] 

  Daphne Moon : "Not that it was too fast for you last night... Ooooh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?"

  [Martin, disturbed, turns around in his armchair and stares at her] 

  Daphne Moon : But, now you've had your fun, though not too much apparently, and you want to be my friend-"

  [angry] 

  Daphne Moon : "Well, you can just SOD OFF, Trevor Mulgrew!"

  [She calms down and notices that Frasier and Martin are staring at her] 

  Daphne Moon : You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt.

  [walks out] 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Why do we bother having a service elevator? I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty moving men, munching on chili dogs, which they proceeded to drip onto my suede shoes! How will I ever get that stain out?

  [Eddie runs over and helpfully begins to lick Frasier's shoes] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Ah, yes. Dog saliva: Nature's miracle solvent!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : I have to tell you, last night was one of the greatest nights of lovemaking I've had since... Roz!

  Kate Costas : Tell me she just walked in.

  [Roz walks in behind Kate] 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Kate]  We have gazed into the gaping maw of temptation, and survived!

• Kate Costas : So... nice place. Whoa, what a view!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [bitterly]  Yes. I'll be enjoying it during my suspension.

  Kate Costas : Well... I guess that concludes the small-talk portion of our evening. Look, it must be obvious; I've come here to apologise.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, really? For what? Turning on me when I went out of my way to protect you? You know we're both responsible for this. Yet I end up looking like an idiot and you look like a no- nonsense boss!

  Kate Costas : All right, all right, just tell me what I can do to make this right.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Nothing! There is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say, to make this up to me.

  Kate Costas : [no-nonsense]  The owners wanted you fired.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : ...That's pretty good!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Hello, Polly. How can I help you?

  Polly : [voice over]  Oh, I'm so glad I got through! I'm sitting here not knowing what to do. I find myself lacking a certain spice.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well Polly, if you want to shake up your routine, why don't you er, try something new and dangerous? Er, skydiving, belly-dancing, perhaps? That ought to add some spice.

  Polly : What are you talking about? I'm making an apple tart and I'm out of cinnamon!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I see.

  [disconnects her] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Listeners, for the fourth time this hour, I am NOT The Happy Chef. I am The Irritated Psychiatrist, Dr. Frasier Crane!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm sorry, Niles, it's just... I'm meeting Kate here. We want to discuss the little dilemma in which we find ourselves.

  Niles : If you're talking about the little kiss you two shared, that hardly constitutes a dilemma. It's not as if you plunged into a tawdry office affair.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No.

  Niles : Then you'd have a real problem.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes.

  Niles : A kiss? It's nothing.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [looking somewhat uncomfortable]  Right.

  Niles : Had sex with her, didn't you?

• Daphne Moon : Hello, Dr Crane.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Daphne.

  [the doorbell rings] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm not here.

  Daphne Moon : Yes. Your father's not here either. It's so nice having the whole house to myself.

  Niles : [She opens the door to Niles]  Daphne.

  Daphne Moon : Oh, how lovely. Now the whole family's not here.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : One minute we were negotiating, the next minute our inhibitions were shattered, along with my kneecap and her Macintosh PowerBook.

  Niles : [surprised]  This happened in her office?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes.

  Niles : What are you saying? Her couch folds out?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : We used her desk.

  Niles : Her DESK folds out?

• Kate Costas : I really think that we should slow things down.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [relieved]  Oh, I am so glad you said that! I wanted to say the same thing but I was, I was afraid that you'd feel I was rejecting you!

  Kate Costas : Oh, how sensitive. And yet, at the same time, how full of yourself.