- Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think we're really quite hard up enough yet to stage a singles party.
- Martin Crane: Ok, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti, and you guys set up the card table. I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. It's called "The Wheat Field."
- Frasier: I'll send the invitations.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I'll call the caterer.
- Frasier: Not now Niles. I'm telling Vicky my recipe for crepe gateau.
- Dr. Niles Crane: I'm sure she's had enough of your crepe by now.
- Dr. Niles Crane: This is a photo of my latest purchase, an exquisite 18th-century Turkish prayer rug. Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
- Frasier: Certainly worked for the dealer.
- Frasier: Anyway, as I was saying, where does one go to meet available women?
- Dr. Niles Crane: There are singles bars, of course. Uh, we could join a health club.
- Frasier: Oh, there's a splendid idea. Yes, I can just picture the two of us: tank tops and spandex. Find us a pair of matching headbands, we might as well just sterilize ourselves!
- Frasier: I mean, murderers on death row can find women to marry them! I can't find one to sit through coffee!
- Dr. Niles Crane: It's easy for those men to attract women, they have all that time to work out in the yard.
- Daphne Moon: What happened to your hair?
- Martin Crane: Well, what do you think? I colored it, just like you told me to.
- Daphne Moon: Yeah, but this isn't cinnamon sable.
- Martin Crane: Well, I couldn't use that, it had a woman's picture on the box. So I used some stuff called "Color In a Can" instead. It said "As Seen On TV--just spray on and go." How did I know it was a lousy product?
- Frasier: If only there had been some clue.
- Frasier: I'm getting desperate here.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Don't obsess about this. My love life's not much better than yours, but you don't see me going off the deep end.
- Frasier: Oh, really? Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique-buying binge you've been on is nothing but a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires?
- Dr. Niles Crane: That's preposterous! These purchases have nothing to do with sex.
- Frasier: Oh, don't they? In addition to the loveseat, let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been: a French bed- warmer, a pair of Toby jugs... the less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you Freudians! Sometimes a ramrod is just a... oh hell, even I can't make that one fly.
- Martin Crane: [admiring Roz' new baby Alice] You know, I sure would love to hold her for just a second?
- Frasier: You know, maybe we should wait until you're not dripping toxins.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [holding up a folder] Frasier, prepare to salivate!
- Frasier: Niles, if that is a picture of your new Biedermeier loveseat, you've already shown it to me.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [pulling out a photo] No, this is a photo of my latest purchase: an exquisite, eighteenth-century Turkish prayer rug. Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
- Frasier: Certainly worked for the dealer.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, Frasier! I am so glad we had this party. I just met the most *fabulous* woman.
- Frasier: Oh, that's fabulous. I also met someone who's *terrific*.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Wait. I can't wait. I have to show you mine first. She's over by the buffet.
- Frasier: Right. So is mine.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [both men start waving] Frasier, let me ask you something. At what point would you like to acknowledge we are both waving to the same woman?
- Dr. Niles Crane: I just met the most fabulous woman.
- Frasier: Oh that's fabulous.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [to bartender] Two white wines.
- Frasier: I also met someone who's terrific.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, wait, wait. I can't wait. I have to show you mine first. She's over by the buffet.
- Frasier: Right, so's mine.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [They both wave to the corner, Vickie waves back] Frasier, let me ask you something: At what point would you like to acknowledge that we're both waving to the same woman?
- Frasier: I suppose you also came to gloat. You got Vicky, I didn't.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Neither of us got Vicky. She went home with the bartender.
- Frasier: Really? Well, you know what I say? Her loss.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Absolutely right. Her loss!
- [pause]
- Dr. Niles Crane: Has saying that ever made you feel any better?
- Frasier: Not a whit.
- Dr. Niles Crane: The only civilized thing to do is for us to both stay away from her. We are psychiatrists, not a couple of rutting pigs in a barnyard. What do you say to that?
- Frasier: [They look back at Vickie who has just taken off her wrap, revealing bare shoulders and a clinging dress] Soo-eee.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Very well, may the better man win.
- Roz Doyle: Frasier, your father wants you.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Ah, advantage Niles!
- Vicky: Do you live with your father, Niles?
- Dr. Niles Crane: [laughing] Oh, no. A grown man, live with his father? Frasier lives with Dad.
- Daphne Moon: Besides, nobody could've had as horrendous an evening as I did. I got stood up. At a bat mitzvah! I waited there an hour. Oh, he left some lame excuse on the machine, but if he thinks he's got another chance with me, he's meshugge!