Frasier (TV Series)
The Seal Who Came to Dinner (1998)
David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane
Quotes
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Officer McLean : Sorry, people, nobody can leave. This is a crime scene.
Dr. Niles Crane : Well, it certainly would be a crime if we missed that dinner!
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Dr. Frasier Crane : [Frasier and Niles are entering Maris' beach house, which has a burglar alarm] I hope you're right about the alarm code, Niles. People do change them.
Dr. Niles Crane : Maris will never change this one. It's her ideal weight, what she weighed at her debutante ball.
[enters the alarm code on the control panel inside]
Dr. Niles Crane : This many pounds and that many ounces.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Good Lord! No one could weigh that and live!
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Martin Crane : Isn't that breaking and entering?
Dr. Niles Crane : Oh pish, it can't be a crime if it's catered.
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Dr. Frasier Crane : [Niles has just called unsuccessfully requested that Animal Control come to remove a dead seal from behind Maris' beach house] Give me that.
[takes phone from Niles]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Hello, this is Frasier Crane. You may remember me from my radio show.
Dr. Niles Crane : Oh yes, that should send the Seal Mobile racing over here.
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Dr. Niles Crane : [referring to Maris] I don't have to ask her. She's out of the country. She's in Antwerp having her elbows done.
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Dr. Niles Crane : Normally, the finalists compete by giving lectures. I'd written mine, a waggish look at food fads from yesteryear entitled, "Fondue: What Were We Thinking?"
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Dr. Niles Crane : I wanted this. After the year I've been through, I needed something to restore my pride, my dignity... my manhood. That Golden Apron could do it.
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Dr. Niles Crane : You have no idea how cutthroat my rivals are. They will leap on the tiniest imperfection. Last night, Sebastian Melmoth threw a lavish Japanese banquet. A certain rival spent the entire evening carping about how the obis on the geishas' kimonos were improperly tied.
Dr. Frasier Crane : "A certain rival?"
Dr. Niles Crane : All right, me.
Martin Crane : He had geishas?
Dr. Frasier Crane : That's enough, Dad.
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Dr. Frasier Crane : Is Claudia here?
Dr. Niles Crane : Yes, and she's dying to talk to you!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Good! Smell my fingers.
Dr. Niles Crane : [sniffing] Ooh, lovely! Tubla rose?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Jasmine.
Dr. Niles Crane : Really!
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Dr. Niles Crane : [Frasier and Niles are trying to remove the dead seal] We can wrap it in this. Quick, quick, quick.
Dr. Frasier Crane : A peach peignoir?
Dr. Niles Crane : Yes, and I found perfume.
Dr. Frasier Crane : We're giving it a burial, Niles, not a day of beauty.
Dr. Niles Crane : It's to cover the smell, and the peignoir was all I could find. The beds were all stripped, the linen cupboard's locked.
Dr. Frasier Crane : All right, get on with it.
Dr. Niles Crane : [Niles sprays the seal with the perfume] Do you think that helped?
Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, yes, Niles. It smells so lovely now, it's almost a shame to bury it.