- William 'Will' Smith: Man, you don't know how lucky you are. You can be with your father whenever you want. You can eat with him and argue with him; he's there for you. You know where my father is?
- Carlton Banks: [meekly] No.
- William 'Will' Smith: Neither do I.
- Carlton Banks: Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?
- William 'Will' Smith: Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose.
- Carlton Banks: Not my father!
- William 'Will' Smith: Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I don't know where the hell he is!
- Carlton Banks: You don't understand, Will.
- William 'Will' Smith: Yes, I do. You're selfish.
- [he walks away disappointed]
- Carlton Banks: It's pointless for Dad to get this extra life insurance. He'll probably outlive all of us.
- William 'Will' Smith: Only if he eats us first.
- Vivian Banks: Carlton, your father just wants to make sure that if anything should happen, we'll be taken care of.
- Hilary Banks: That's right, Carlton. Daddy has gotten us used to this rich and pompous lifestyle. Oh, guess what? I went in on a race horse.
- Hilary Banks: My therapist said that the only way to cope with Trevor's death is to confront it.
- Vivian Banks: Trevor died bungee-jumping.
- Hilary Banks: I'm working up to that. Well, I'm off to my skydiving class.
- William 'Will' Smith: Yo, Hil, that's not your parachute. That's my bookbag.
- Hilary Banks: Whoops. That would've been embarrassing.
- William 'Will' Smith: Everyone, Uncle Phil had that heart attack because of me.
- Vivian Banks: Will, your fat joke had nothing to do with this.
- William 'Will' Smith: I've been sneaking him fatty foods for a week.
- Everyone: WHAT?
- William 'Will' Smith: [to the paramedic as Uncle Phil is in the ambulance after a heart attack] Hey, man, my uncle's going to be all right, right?
- Paramedic: Well, if I say he is and he croaks, you're going to be upset, right?
- Philip Banks: [while in the ambulance] Would you do me a favor, Will?
- William 'Will' Smith: Uncle Phil, we are not stopping for no burger!
- Philip Banks: No, no, no. Would you tell Carlton to look after the family just in case this is my last ride?
- William 'Will' Smith: Your last ride? Whatcha you talking about, man? We gonna go for plenty of rides in ambulances, man.
- William 'Will' Smith: [to Carlton] You're going to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance.
- Philip Banks: [picks up some food on his plate, while on a diet after a heart attack] What the heck is this?
- Geoffrey: [hesitates] Chicken, sir. Oh! You probably don't recognize it without a thick coating of batter and gravy!
- [walks away]
- Philip Banks: [drops the chicken piece] I can't do this. I can't give up my favorite foods cold turkey... Oh my God. Turkey. With... pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes.
- [Will and Geoffrey the Butler exchange looks]
- Philip Banks: Butter-drenched dressing. Tiny onions! Swimming in a sea of cream sauce. Oh!
- [Carlton visits Phil in the hospital after he has a heart attack]
- Carlton: Hey, dad. I would have come sooner but... I couldn't stand to see you like this. I mean, you're like Superman to me.
- Phillip Banks: Yeah, and cheeseburgers are my kryptonite, huh?
- Phillip Banks: What are you talking about? I weigh the same as I did in high school.
- Will: Yeah, if you add up all four years.
- Dr. Kevarkian: I'm Dr. Kevarkian.
- [everyone gasps]
- Dr. Kevarkian: Not Kevorkian, Kevarkian with an "a."
- [everyone sighs with relief]
- Dr. Kevarkian: [Hilary's taking Nicky home] Is that Carlton? Your father's been asking to see him.
- Hilary Banks: Oh, Carlton's a little bigger and he wears a bow tie.
- William 'Will' Smith: Hey man, how come you didn't say you weren't my uncle?
- Mr. Melville: Nobody comes to visit me.
- Philip Banks: Will! I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
- William 'Will' Smith: Hey man! My uncle says he can't breathe!
- Paramedic: That could be because you're leaning on his oxygen hose.