- Geoffrey: [after hearing Will's loud music] I don't know whether to duck under the table or do the running man.
- Will: Look Uncle Phil, I'm saying, what's the difference between me wearing this and you in the sixties? You wore a dashiki and an afro.
- Phillip Banks: But I was making a cultural statement. You're just drawing attention to yourself.
- Will: But, now correct me if I'm wrong but you don't think a 6'3", in a dashiki and an afro the size of West Philly is drawing attention to himself?
- Philip Banks: Ashley, what are you doing out of bed?
- Ashley Banks: I'm worried about Will. Why did you throw him out into the street, Daddy?
- Philip Banks: I did not throw him into the street.
- Geoffrey: Quite right, sir. You threw him on the lawn. He rolled into the street.
- Will: You all trying to play me like that, right?
- [to Carlton]
- Will: What if he told you that you couldn't wear plaid anymore?
- Carlton: Don't joke about that, Will.
- Will: [to Hilary] What if he told you that you couldn't entertain men in the Jacuzzi anymore?
- Vivian: When did you have a man in the Jacuzzi?
- Hilary: This isn't about me. It's about Will.
- Vivian: [When Carlton comes home from the airport all beaten up] Carlton, honey, what happened?
- Carlton: Will told everyone at the airport I was Bryant Gumbel.
- Will: I thought I'd get my luggage faster.
- Vivian: You poor baby, what did they do? Mob you for autographs?
- Carlton: No, five old ladies attacked me for being mean to Willard.
- Philip Banks: [to Will about his beeper] Get rid of that thing.
- Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, what's wrong? Do you think everybody's gonna think I'm a drug dealer? Why wouldn't they think I'm a doctor?
- Carlton: [takes Will's hat off, showing off his hair] 'Cause everyone knows Buckwheat never went to medical school.
- Vivian Banks: Philip, when Will gets here, please be nice otherwise, you're going to be bunking with Mr. Couch.
- Philip Banks: Woman, please do you think that you can manipulate me with sex?
- Vivian Banks: Does James Brown have a perm?
- Vivian: Philip, Will's been gone for seven hours now. What if something's happened to him?
- Philip Banks: Don't try to cheer me up, Vivian.
- Vivian: Philip, I'm serious. Do something.
- Philip Banks: What do you want me to do? I've got Geoffrey out scouring the city.
- Geoffrey: [walks in the house] I'm terribly sorry, sir, I've looked everywhere. There isn't an ice cream sandwich left in this town.
- Philip Banks: Will, there'll be no beepers worn in this house.
- Will: Yo, what's up, Uncle Phil? My mom let me wear it in Philly.
- Philip Banks: That's because she's your mother and she loves you. I'm your uncle. I just try not to hurt you.
- Will: Come on, Uncle Phil, I need to keep in touch with my tasties.
- Philip Banks: I beg your pardon?
- Ashley Banks: His tasties, Daddy. You know, his chubbies, his slimmies, his old ladies?
- Philip Banks: And who are you? Queen Latifah?
- Philip Banks: [to Vivian] And boarding school's not so bad, is it, Geoffrey? Geoffrey went to boarding school. Tell her, Geoffrey.
- Geoffrey: Madam, I went to boarding school and then I went to therapy.