- Carlton Banks: This is so unfair. What about our date?
- William 'Will' Smith: I don't know. I was up all night trying to learn French for, "Forget my cousin, you can both have me."
- Aunt Helen: Vivian, last night I followed Lester. He drove up to this cute little house with this cute little picket fence and this cute little homewrecker opened the door.
- Vivian Banks: I would've been reaching for my cute little crowbar.
- Aunt Helen: I couldn't find it.
- Aunt Helen: I'm always doing things on the spur of the moment: buy a new hat, paint the house, get a divorce.
- Philip Banks: Not again.
- Lester: Anita is my psychiatrist, Will.
- William 'Will' Smith: Oh, yeah, right, and I just won a Grammy. Come on, man to man, toe to toe. Come on!
- [paces back and forth, ready to fight Lester]
- Lester: Will! Will, I understand your anger and if you want to take out your passive-aggressive feelings towards your absent father on me, go ahead.
- William 'Will' Smith: [stops pacing and looks around confused] Man, you really must be seeing a shrink.
- William 'Will' Smith: [to himself] Gee, Will, where were you when you were supposed to be with two lushish French girls? I was trapped in the bathroom with my naked aunt.
- Lester: [to Helen] If you refuse to leave with me, you know what I'm gonna have to do?
- William 'Will' Smith: Drag her home by her extensions?