- Jesse Katsopolis: Speaking of literature, wouldn't you say the two finest books ever written would happen to be 'Crime and War' and 'Peace and Punishment?'
- Eric Trent: [laughs] I think you have transposed the titles 'War and Peace' and 'Crime and Punishment'... inadvertently.
- Jesse Katsopolis: Ah, see, you missed the joke. I transposed them quite 'vertently.'
- Joey Gladstone: [Enters the living room and sees Jesse with books] Jess what are you doing with all the books?
- Jesse Katsopolis: What can't a man go to the library and check out a section of classical literature for a weekend of good reading?
- Joey Gladstone: Who are you and what did you do with Jesse?
- Jesse Katsopolis: Well Joey, I got roped up into this cultural party this weekend. And you know, I never went to college so I figured I might as well bone up so I won't look like a bonehead.
- Joey Gladstone: Jess, this is great I'm so proud of you! Pretty soon you're going to be smart.
- [Imitating The Scarecrow]
- Joey Gladstone: so you will not be just a nothin your head all full of stuffin, your heart all full of pain.
- [Pushes Jesse to the couch and whistles]
- Joey Gladstone: With the thoughts you'll be thinkin you could be another Lincoln, if you only had a brain!
- [Falls on the floor like The Scarecrow. Comet joins him]
- Jesse Katsopolis: I'll get you
- [points at comet while imitating The Wicked Witch of the West]
- Jesse Katsopolis: And your little dog too!