- Garth Marenghi: You know, my books are all essentially about what ifs. In Black Fang, I asked "what if a rat could drive a bus. And what if it, and its rat brethren, took over and ate Parliament." When I wrote, directed, and starred in tonight's episode of Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, I was asking another what if. Now, I won't tell you which *what if* it is, but it's basically along the same lines, but with a different animal. Without giving too much away, think Planet of the Apes.
- Garth Marenghi: Greetings, traveler. Who am I? Perhaps you have met me twixt sleep and wake in the penumbra of uncertainty you call unconsciousness. Or perhaps you met me at a book signing.
- Garth Marenghi: I realized that man needs to keep in touch with his primal urges, whether through sport or through violent movies. But a man must not let his beast be his master. Otherwise you're no better than Bill Wyman.
- Dean Learner: You're a fool to walk away from this! You're a fool! A fool! You're a fool! You're a fool! You're a flipping fool!
- Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.: I'm one of the few people you'll meet who's written more books than they've read.