- Angie Lopez: [to George] Why is my dad kissing your sister?
- George Lopez: Did I mention I got the garage paid off?
- George Lopez: [when Vic walks in with black eyebrows & mustache] Vic, I'm gonna ask you flat out: when did you fall head first into the La Brea Tar Pits?
- Benny: George, George, we were drunk and we were watching boxing, and well, you know how booze and sweaty guys get my horses running.
- George Lopez: [looking sickened] Actually, I didn't, but thank you, Mommy.
- George Lopez: [to Vic] You're offering me two thousand dollars to set you up on a date with my sister?
- Vic: I said one thousand dollars.
- George Lopez: I'm selling you my sister, man. Don't low-ball me.
- George Lopez: I used to dream that I had a big family like the ones on TV. I remember yelling at the screen, "Eight's not enough, adopt a little Mexican boy!"
- Angie Lopez: Daddy's gonna stay here while they tend his condo for termites.
- George Lopez: You don't need exterminators, Vic. Just get all the bugs together and tell them stories about Cuba. They'll kill themselves.
- Angie Lopez: I should go with Daddy to his cardiologist dinner.
- Vic: That is so sweet, but no. It would be too hard for me seeing you in a room full of people you should have married.
- George Lopez: Yeah, I guess Angie could have married a cardiologist, got divorced, taken half of his money, hooked up with some young stud... Oh, that's what your wife did. Did I strike a nerve?
- Linda Lorenzo #2: [to George] You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?
- George Lopez: Why you gotta say it that negative?
- Benny: [when she and Ernie see Vic's dyed hair & mustache] Don't move, there's a black cat on Vic's head. Probably after the little black mouse under his nose.