- Benny: [to Max and Carmen] You kids are old enough to know that your grandfather is living in a car, an old, defeated man with nothing because he left your grandma. That's right. When you leave your grandma, you die.
- Max Lopez: Dad, Grandma says Grandpa has a tail. Does that mean I'm gonna grow a tail too?
- George Lopez: That depends on you, Max. It's under your skin right now and every time you lie, it grows a little bit more.
- Max Lopez: I broke Carmen's CD player.
- George Lopez: You just bought yourself another day, monkey boy.
- George Lopez: Mom, I told you to stay in the car!
- Benny: [drunk] You don't tell me what to do, I wiped your butt.
- George Lopez: Where are you going?
- Benny: To the bathroom!
- George Lopez: Well hurry up!
- Benny: Don't tell me how to pee!
- Jack Powers: [after Benny gets injured at work] Oh, man. Why can't you people hurt yourselves at home?
- Angie Lopez: [to the kids about Benny] Grandma drank too much yesterday. Alcohol is basically a poison and if you drink too much, you get sick.
- Max Lopez: What if you drink just the right amount?
- George Lopez: Nobody knows what the right amount is, Max. It's somewhere between the first sip and drinking milk directly from a cow.
- Benny: George, I fell and everybody saw me.
- George Lopez: Yeah, but you were drunk. It was just like Aunt Rita's wedding all over again except this time you had underwear on!
- Gina: Tell me, George. Does Benny need help going to the bathroom? Taking a shower? Is it humiliating?
- George Lopez: You know, I don't know why you two hate each other so much. Someday, you could run hell together.
- George Lopez: [to Angie after she took Benny to the "fake doctor"] Okay, what did the doctor say?
- Angie Lopez: Whatever your mom wants him to say. She has soft tissue damage in the lumbar region. And if we want, I have chronic fatigue syndrome, you have post-traumatic stress disorder, Max has postpartum depression and Carmen has hysterical mood swings. Although, he may have gotten that one right by accident.