- Benny: Oh, good job, officer. You stopped a little old lady from sipping a beer. You know, why don't you go to a crack house and make sure they're rewinding their videos?
- Officer Johnson: It is going to be a pleasure testifying against you. Have a nice day.
- Benny: You know what?
- [George pulls her back]
- Angie Lopez: [Carmen and George return from driving and aren't talking] What happened? Did you hit something? Do we need to wash the car or bury something? What am I saying? You were here all night, we played charades, you got stuck on "Star Wars" and we all laughed.
- George Lopez: [shows Carmen a calendar] What's the date circled?
- Carmen Lopez: My 18th birthday...
- George Lopez: I circled that, because that's going to be the worst day of my life.
- Carmen Lopez: Oh... why's there a little potato next to it?
- George Lopez: Actually that's a boot, I was angry at you one day and I was going to kick you out.
- George Lopez: [imitating Carmen] I hate you! Stomp, stomp, slam. You're the worst dad ever! Stomp, stomp, slam. Nobody cares about my feelings! Stomp, trip, fall!
- Carmen Lopez: [driving Benny's car as she pops open a beer can] Grandma, is that a beer?
- Benny: Just keep your eyes on the road, Princess.
- Max Lopez: [in the backseat] You're drinking a beer and *she's* driving? Why don't you just give me a pair of scissors and I can run around back here?
- Benny: Shut up and put your seat belt on.
- Max Lopez: I can't, the buckle's gone.
- Benny: Well, then put something heavy in your lap.
- [to Carmen]
- Benny: Why are you slowing down?
- Carmen Lopez: Because we just passed a police car.
- Benny: Okay, be cool. Maybe he didn't see the beer.
- [sirens blare]
- George Lopez: Okay everyone, listen up, as you all know, this afternoon my mom had a court date. The judge decided to be creative and sentenced her to public humiliation. Now I don't want anyone to panic at what I'm about to say, Mom, take it off.
- [guys moan and cringe]
- George Lopez: [Benny removes her jacket, revealing a sign on her chest] "Ask me how I endangered my grandchildren's lives." Turn around so I can see the answer.
- Ernie: Bend over. I'll give it to you.
- George Lopez: Mom! What were you thinking?
- Angie Lopez: Where is your judgement? How could you drink with a 15-year-old girl behind the wheel?
- Benny: Come on. I was choking on a French fry and there was nothing else to drink. It was just one sip. George, come on. You of all people know that I can drink a beer and watch a kid.
- George Lopez: What are you talking about? You never watched me. The neighbors had to pitch in to build a fence to keep me from crawling in the street!
- Carmen Lopez: [dances, while singing] I'm getting my license. I'm going driving.
- Benny: Okay, now if you had done that when the cop pulled us over, I would still have my car.
- Carmen Lopez: Should I go the usual way home?
- George Lopez: No, I want to go down Van Nuys, across Magnolia, then up Reseda.
- Carmen Lopez: Oh, that's cool. We're taking the major streets so I can practice passing.
- George Lopez: No, that way we pass three hospitals and a church in case I need last rites.