- Maxwell Smart: [Max has two theater tickets] Oh, well you see 99, I was kinda hoping that maybe you might join me.
- 99: Oh Max, why couldn't you have asked me something like that months ago?
- Maxwell Smart: Well I just got the tickets five minutes ago and I coudn't think of anybody else that would go Dutch.
- Chief: [on phone] Max, where in the world are you?
- Maxwell Smart: [on payphone] Well Chief, I thought I needed a little vacation so I came to St. Germain island.
- Chief: St Germain Island? Max, I need you!
- Maxwell Smart: Big assignment, eh?
- Chief: No, you left with my car keys.
- Maxwell Smart: Hey waiter, what's that?
- Room Service Attendant: Oh, it's a champagne supper for Mr. Royal and his American fiancée. Poor girl. When he starts operating she'll have as much chance as a draft card at a hippie love-in.
- Maxwell Smart: You mean he's a ladies' man?
- Room Service Attendant: Well let me put it this way: his little black book is in its 24th edition.
- Maxwell Smart: So that's the kind of man he is.
- Room Service Attendant: Yeah, all day, all night. I don't know how he does it. I couldn't pass the physical.
- 99: Oh Max, you saved me from making a terrible mistake. You're wonderful.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, that's all right, Susan.
- 99: It's 99, Max. Susan isn't my real name.
- Maxwell Smart: So. It's Miss Hilton. Susan Hilton. I worked with you for five years and you never told me your name.
- 99: You never asked me.
- Maxwell Smart: Susan Hilton. I don't like it. I like 99 a lot better.
- Maxwell Smart: [having found out Royal is working for KAOS] Well to tell ya the truth I'm a little surprised myself, 99. I knew he was a liar and a cheat but a spy!
- Maxwell Smart: Imagine a Control agent married to a KAOS agent. Who would accept a mixed marriage like that?
- Victor Royal: [having dropped M. Montaigne through a trap door] If he had any thoughts of, eh, calling the police, the piranha fish will put an end to them.