- Agent 66: [to KAOS captor] If I could get my hands out of this cheap KAOS cement, I'd wrap those gold chains around your throat and use you for a yo-yo.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: When you've dealt KAOS as long as I have, you know that it's the old sniper in the catwalk trick or the old gunman in the crate
- [waves gun towards crate, it accidentally fires]
- Chief Maxwell Smart: ... sometimes both.
- Siegfried: Come on, you're father must have told you all about me. For 30 years I was his wurst nightmare.
- Zach Smart: You're my mother's cousin Harvey?
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Siegfried, how did you get this number?
- Siegfried: I'm on your kid's schneaker-phone.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Zach's schnearker - sneaker-phone?
- Gretchen: [to Zach] You're just like my father. He lied to me the whole time I am growing up. He told me that he was a doctor on a cruiseship.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: How is Shtarker?
- Siegfried: Very well. He has this small shoe repair kiosk in the Heidelberg train station. He married a lovely Chinese girl - enough. We are former KAOS, we don't reminisce here!
- Siegfried: Tonight, to exact my revenge, I have a nuclear missile aimed directly at one of your major cities.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Which one?
- Siegfried: The city that contains your greatest minds and most brilliant thinkers.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Hm. Well, at least Washington is safe.
- Zach Smart: You know, except for the kidnapping, the tying up and the luring my father to his death stuff, this hasn't been a bad date.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Give it up, Siegfried, you'll never get away with this.
- Siegfried: Why not?
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Because at this very moment there are 200 naval...
- Siegfried: [interrupting] destroyers are headed this way. I know. Then I say I don't believe it, then you say something else again, then I say I don't believe it again and were right back to where we started.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: And I thought my wife knew me.
- Siegfried: [Max is turning Siegfried's light-up globe which doubles as a remote control for the nuclear missile] Get away from my world!
- Chief Maxwell Smart: It's not your world yet, Siegfried.
- Agent 66: My God. That's a Russian SS B21 nuke with a yield of 20.000 megatons.
- Zach Smart: How do you know that?
- Agent 66: A friend of mine bought two at the Soviet Union garage sale.