The Golden Girls (TV Series)

Stan's Return (1985)

Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak

Photos 

Quotes 

• Blanche Devereaux : Oh, take it from me, honey, there is no gentle way to end it with a man. When you're gentle with them, they just don't get the message.

  Rose Nylund : Oh, Blanche is so right, Dorothy. That was exactly the problem I had with Eddie Parker. He was this real sweet guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn't feel the same way about him. You see, when Charlie went off to war, I went to work for our local USO club. And, that's where I first met Eddie the Aqua Midget.

  Blanche Devereaux : He was a blue midget?

  Rose Nylund : Don't be ridiculous, he was a diving midget. That was his act. He used to jump off a step ladder into this gigantic punchbowl.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : [stifling laughter]  S-so, um... what happened?

  Rose Nylund : Nothing. He'd just swim to the side and hop out.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : I mean, uh... what happened between you and Eddie?

  Rose Nylund : We talked a lot between shows, and of course I didn't realize it but he- he was falling for me.

  Blanche Devereaux : Didn't have far to fall.

  [Dorothy grabs Blanche's hand in an attempt to stifle more laughter] 

  Rose Nylund : It... it started with little things...

  Blanche Devereaux : I bet.

  [more stifled laughter] 

  Rose Nylund : Pretty soon the situation got out of control, and I... I tried to let him down gently...

  Blanche Devereaux : You tried to make it short and sweet?

  [more stifled laughter] 

  Rose Nylund : He just wouldn't take no for an answer. So I finally had to tell him straight out that I- I didn't feel about him the way he felt about me. It had nothing to do with his size. It- it was simply that... w-I- I could never become seriously involved with anybody in show business.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : [still stifling laughter]  Thank you, Rose. I... I don't know what to say... And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

• Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Why did I ever marry that man?

  Sophia Petrillo : Because he knocked you up.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Why did I ever let that happen?

  Sophia Petrillo : Because he got you drunk.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Why am I even discussing this with you?

  Sophia Petrillo : Beats the hell out of me.

• Stanley Zbornak : [rushing for the door after learning that there won't be any "bouncy-bouncy" forthcoming from Dorothy]  I better go stop Chrissy before she gets too far away. Terrific sex is better than none at all.

  Dorothy Zbornak : [casually raising her wine glass to imaginary guests with a smug "knowing" expression, since of course she has personally experienced first-hand how lousy Stanley is in bed]  Here's to terrific sex --- and the DUMB BLONDE who's NOT GONNA GET ANY!

• Blanche Devereaux : Dorothy, why didn't you tell your mother about our vacation?

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : I was waiting for the right time- like when we landed in New York.

  Blanche Devereaux : New York? I wanted to go to an island!

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : New York is an island.

  Blanche Devereaux : Yeah, but I want to go somewhere with a bunch of men who don't speak English!

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Then we'll take the subway.

• Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Stan told me his wife left him.

  Blanche Devereaux : And you believed him? I hear that at least twice a week!

  Sophia Petrillo : And it works everytime!