- Robin Cook: Good evening. I'll be hosting tonight's show, unless I have to resign on a point of principle halfway through.
- Robin Cook: With Ian Hislop is a man who travels to far flung places and upsets the locals - he should have a go at being Foreign Secretary - P.J.O'Rourke.
- Robin Cook: [describing Paul's guest] A doctor responsible for more smears then the Daily Mail - Dr. Phil Hammond.
- Dr Phil Hammond: Don't you hope for a president with a three-digit I.Q.?
- P J O'Rourke: We're not a three-digit country.
- [after a clip of Robert Kilroy-Silk explaining the rules of Share or Shaft]
- Robin Cook: Unfortunately, Robert, when you asked your party to share, they decided to shaft.
- Robin Cook: I've already been mistaken for Claire Short, I don't want to be mistaken for a Millwall fan.
- Robin Cook: I've already been mistaken on this show for a satanist. I don't want to be mistaken for a Milwall fan.
- [a Royal Navy Technician has been given permission to become a Satanist]
- Robin Cook: His mother said 'He doesn't have an evil bone in his body.' No, he has them in a bloody biscuit tin under his bunk.
- Robin Cook: [during a discussion about the Battle of Balaclava] We *did* have the French on our side then.
- P.J. O'Rourke: We had them on our side in World War II, and a fat lot of good it did us.
- Robin Cook: [on guest publication "The Tightwad Gazette"] It costs £1.50, or you could get somebody to photocopy it for you.
- Robin Cook: [on Tommy Cooper] Tommy used to pour gin on his breakfast cereal. Yes, he was a fan of Gordon's, but, then, aren't we all.
- Robin Cook: [a large amount of explosives have vanished from an army base in Iraq] A spokesman stated, "We want to make sure we get to the bottom of this." Although, given their previous record in this area, I'm not holding my breath.