- Colonel Klink: If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing; you are ignorant.
- Schultz: Oh, I can handle that.
- Colonel Klink: I know.
- Schultz: [reading graffiti] Hess is a mess. Himmler is a rat fink. Goering is a fat rat fink. Colonel Klink is... heh... bucking for rat fink.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [about his men] Eh, they keep saying there's a lot of human being left in Colonel Klink.
- Colonel Klink: Hm! Those fools.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I told 'em they were wrong.
- Colonel Klink: If these orders are not carried out, you and the messenger will be court-martialed, shot and sent to the Russian front.
- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Look, I know that arrow was pointed in the right direction! I took a bearing from the roof of Klink's office.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Doesn't matter, Kinch. The Adolf Hitler Bridge is still in business.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Yeah, and Klink's happy - nasty happy.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Let's make him unhappy - nasty unhappy. Let's knock out that bridge.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Huh?
- LeBeau: What?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: You're kidding. I mean, how do we get there?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll worry about that later. What kind of explosives we got, Carter?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Three firecrackers and a can of lighter fluid.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Firecrackers?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, sure. You remember. When we told Klink that LeBeau was part Chinese. We had to have firecrackers to celebrate Chinese New Year.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah.
- LeBeau: And I cooked that whole pot of chow mein with sauerkraut.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Please, not while I'm plotting.
- [turns to Carter]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You got anything to make explosives?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, the easiest thing would be some kind of gas. We could get a detonator and a timer. Maybe chlorine gas.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: What do you need?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Ammonia would do it. Mixed with bleach if we had any.
- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Hey, the krauts keep a lot of that stuff in the kitchen for cleanup.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk, go find Schultz. Volunteer for kitchen detail.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, Colonel.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Kinch, you go with Carter. Help him set up his bomb factory in Tunnel Number 3. Give him anything he needs.
- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Right.
- LeBeau: What-what about me, Colonel? What do I do?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: LeBeau, my boy, I'm holding you in reserve to make chow mein.
- LeBeau: What?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: If Carter's bombs don't do it, we may have to poison that bridge.
- [a huge explosion rocks the tunnel]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Carter? Carter? Are you OK?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Boy, that stuff's really unstable!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: You've got to get that mixture just right.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, I know, I know.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: You gotta expect a few little explosions.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, sure, sure.
- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Oh, boy, you keep that up, Klink'll be down here in a minute, and there goes the ball game!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I think I have an idea how to explain the noise. Carter, keep working... uh, you do have insurance?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Temper, TEMPER, Colonel. Your men can paint out those words in a couple hours.
- Colonel Klink: MY men? YOUR men! They will paint this entire building at once, THEN we'll talk about punishment. Schultz!
- Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommendant.
- Colonel Klink: Issue paints and brushes to these assassins at once.
- Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommendant!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now, wait a minute, Colonel, I protest! Prisoners of war are not required to do this kind of work.
- [to Schultz]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll need a tarp, a big one.
- [back to Klink]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: And besides that, it's against all the rules of civilized warfare!
- [to Schultz]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Need a couple ladders, tall.
- Schultz: Jawohl!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [back to Klink] Not only...
- Colonel Klink: [stamping his foot twice] Another word out of you, Hogan, and your men will be painting this building for the entire war - in chains!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [Carter's attempts to manufacture explosives destroys one of the tunnels] We still gotta figure a way to make more ammunition.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Well, I'm still willing to try, Colonel.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Whose side are you on?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [referring to some shell casings he stole from Schultz] If we have about 500 of these, they'd make a lovely bomb.
- [hands Colonel Hogan a shell casing]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Hey, Newkirk, where'd you get these?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Schultz's cartridge case. I pinched them off while I was giving him that old jolly up.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why not?
- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Why not what, Colonel?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Blow up the Adolf Hitler Bridge with their own ammunition. It's a nice touch.
- [gives Newkirk the shell casing back]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Here.
- [pulls down a map of the underground tunnels beneath their barracks]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right, fellas, look here. This is where the krauts keep their ammunition in the ammunition room, right? Now, we dig a right angle turn in Tunnel Number 3, and we surface in the middle of all that beautiful gunpowder.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: It's marvelous.
- LeBeau: That's great.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Wait a minute. Hold it, fellas. Before you get too happy, I got some bad news. That last explosion collapsed about 50 feet of Tunnel 3.
- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Oh, that's the clincher. The way the krauts are watching us, it'll take us a month to clear that 50 feet.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk, can you pick a lock?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I find that question, sir, 'ighly insulting.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sorry, old bean, I should have known. Gentlemen, I think we're in business. LeBeau, we can use all the paint you have leftover from that sign job and a couple of paintbrushes, too.
- LeBeau: Okay, what for?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Tonight, we're going to paint Klink into a corner.
- [last lines]
- [Hogan's men react angrily when he volunteers them to help rebuild the Adolf Hitler Bridge in exchange for Klink's promise to reopen the recreation hall]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Shhh. All right, all right. We're gonna rebuild the bridge with a very special feature.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: What you mean by that?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's gonna be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Come on, Colonel. You close the recreation hall, you're gonna deprive us of our Tommy Dorsey records. That's a cruel, inhuman, sadistic punishment.
- Colonel Klink: No, no, no, no, no! A pink building on a military establishment, are you mad? If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color in the war. Everything is so drab.
- Colonel Klink: PAINT IT AGAIN!
- Schultz: There's more traffic here than downtown Berlin.
- Colonel Klink: Paint fumes gather underneath the tarp, Schultz. They have to clear their heads.
- Schultz: I wish I had a drugstore on *this* corner.