- Col. Hogan: The driver says it's water, Schultz says it's water, and now Klink says it's water.
- Newkirk: What do you think it is, Colonel?
- Col. Hogan: With those three men of integrity, I know one thing.
- Newkirk: What?
- Col. Hogan: It ain't water.
- Captain Mueller: This water is for use in nuclear experiments. It is known as heavy water.
- Col. Klink: I drank some of that water. Will I die from it?
- Captain Mueller: Only if Berlin finds out.