- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Uh, Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute jump!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Never too old, Schultz! Come on!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan! I'm too BIG to parachute jump!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now THERE you have a point.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [Kinchloe is trying to take a picture of another prisoner, but Schultz is in the way] Oh, disregard me. I'm not here.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: But, uh, I'm pleased to announce that everything here is in order. By my count, all are present - even two over.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Good.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [suddenly realizing] Colonel Hogan - two over!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You just given me the whole operation: Have the Germans blow up their own refinery.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Colonel Hogan, please, I know nothing about it! I only know that these two men MUST BE REPORTED!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: All right, Schultz, have it your way, but when that refinery is blown up and it comes out to have been your idea...
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I know NOTHING!
- [Colonel Klink prepares tests to prove the superiority of German fliers]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: But, Colonel Klink, this is a German instrument panel. It's an unfair test. Naturally the German pilots are gonna look better.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Naturally.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ya mean...
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: The aim of a research project, my dear Hogan, is not to discover new facts. We already know the Luftwaffe personnel are superior. Here we are merely furnishing scientific proof
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: And, surely, we'll get a chance to get acquainted with this.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: When you take the test, it'll be plenty of time.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You know, every time I come face to face with this cruel German cunning, I always wonder why MY side is winning.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: [wheeling in a new bomb] It's a modification of the German design, but I think I've made a few improvements.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Three more of these things ready by tomorrow night?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Oh, sure. Uh, Colonel, there's no way I can be around when they go off?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, Carter.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Yeah, okay.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: [to Lt. Karras] I-i-it's kind of like sendin' your own child off to war without ya.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uh, General Biedenbender, have you met Colonel Hogan before?
- General Biedenbender: Never, never, but I know him inside and outside.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: I see.
- General Biedenbender: You're surprised, Colonel Hogan, eh? Heh-heh. Don't bother to answer. I... know.
- General Biedenbender: Uh, Klink, you HAVE, uh, planned a big celebration for tonight, haven't you?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: D'uh, celebration, yeah, uh, uh, uh... a celebre... a-a-a celebration?
- General Biedenbender: For such an important birthday?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: A, b-birthday. Oh! Ah-ha-ha. Yes, of course! We've been preparing for months, Herr General. Uh... the Führer's birthday?
- General Biedenbender: No, Klink. Colonel Hogan's
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [rather surprised] It IS my birthday.
- General Biedenbender: [smiling] Yeah.
- General Biedenbender: I should end the mystery, Colonel Hogan. You see, I am the reason you are now here, a prisoner of war.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, thanks.
- General Biedenbender: Ah-ha, it's nothing. No, when the, uh, the bombing raids of the squadron you commanded shtarted to become, uh, slightly annoying to the Third Reich, I was assigned to study your tactics, Colonel, to get inside your head, so I learned everything about you - everything! - and zhen I begin to, uh, to probe, to, uh, search for a weakness.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Loud ties.
- General Biedenbender: No. No, your tactical planning, Colonel. Brilliant, yes, but at times over-elaborate; zo, I was able to predict precisely the plan of your last bombing raid on Hamberg, in... in which you were shot down, and I, ha, I was shot up, to general. A little joke, Klink.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Ha-ha-ha.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, as long as it wasn't a total loss.
- General Biedenbender: Ah, you, uh, you're crest-fallen, yes?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Uh, no, sir. I just have a naturally crest-fallen face.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, what is it you want?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Whatever you're drinking.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan!
- General Biedenbender: And, Hogan... I hope I haven't spoiled your birthday party.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You are a devil, sir.
- General Biedenbender: I try.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't bother to notify the crew, Schultz. They'll meet you at the plane.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, please, Colonel Hogan, it will be worth my life.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're right of course, Schultz.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I am?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah. The jig's up. This man can read my mind. I'll be a better person inside when I make a clean breast of EVERYTHING that's been goin' on around here.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: [alarmed] Oh, please, Colonel Hogan! You won't mention my name.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah, but I'll recommend leniency.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, Please, Colonel Hogan, please. The crew WILL meet me at the plane?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Word of honor.
- [Schultz sighs in relief]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You don't care WHICH crew, do you?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Oh, Colonel Hogan...!
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Uh, welcome aboard Stalag 13 Airlines. Anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable, please feel free to call upon us.
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Colonel Hogan is your pilot, we are your stewards, Sgt. Carter is your bombardier.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, General?
- General Biedenbender: Hm?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Prob'bly know what I'm gonna ask ya.
- General Biedenbender: No, I do not. What?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't you wanna wish me Happy Birthday?
- General Biedenbender: Heh-heh, you are a devil, Hogan.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I try.