- Major Byron Buckles: I don't quite understand, chaps. I mean, my record is perfect. Appeared three times in two years at the Hollywood Canteen.
- Col. Hogan: My men are upset with you, Buckles, doing a propaganda film for the Germans.
- Major Byron Buckles: They are? But it sounded like such a good part.
- Col. Hogan: Get him out of here, Schultz!
- Sgt. Schultz: My orders are to remain with this man at all times! At all times!
- Col. Hogan: [sarcastically] I'm very happy for both of you! But be together somewhere else! We got work to do!
- Sgt. Schultz: Work to do? What kind of work...? Please, don't tell me.
- Major Byron Buckles: Wait a minute, Hogan, I'm beginning to get your drift. You mean that, uh, public relations-wise, it might be bad for my image to make this film.
- Col. Hogan: It's Colonel Hogan, and I couldn't care less!
- Major Byron Buckles: I like that. I like that. I like a man who looks after my interests. Very well, Hogan. I won't do it.
- Col. Hogan: Wait a minute. Do it. I'll be the director.
- Major Byron Buckles: What?
- Newkirk: Hold on, Colonel.
- LeBeau: Why?
- Carter: Colonel... you're gonna direct a German propaganda movie?
- Col. Hogan: That's right.
- Sgt. Schultz: Excuse me. Colonel Hogan, I know from experience when you decide to do something, which looks good for the Germans, it's bad for the Germans, am I right?
- Col. Hogan: Uh, keep going, Schultz.
- Sgt. Schultz: Now, what's bad for the Germans, you're about to explain to my personal charge, the movie star Major.
- Col. Hogan: Yes, it's possible.
- Sgt. Schultz: But I have strict orders NOT TO LET HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT!
- Col. Hogan: What do you think you should do, Schultz?
- Sgt. Schultz: I know nothing! I see nothing! Nothing!
- Major Byron Buckles: In my career, Hogan, I have worked with dogs. I have even worked with small children. BUT NEVER WITH A SCENE STEALER LIKE SCHULTZ.
- Major Byron Buckles: Exchanging me for three generals, you know.
- Col. Hogan: Good break for you.
- Major Byron Buckles: Ah, not really. I insisted on it in my contract before I enlisted.
- Col. Hogan: What do we call the outfit? The Klink Brigade! No.
- [pauses]
- Col. Hogan: The Burkhalter Brigade! That's it!