- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Oh, Colonel, we got roll call in a few minutes.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [staying with the radio] Right. If I'm not there, start without me.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Before the war I was a plumber's helper. That's how I got my commission in the air corps.
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Colonel, there's no such things as an interlocking granistan joint.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Why didn't you tell me that before? You know I hate to lie to the Germans.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I think there is something funny going on here - MONKEY business!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Don't think too much, Schultz. Brings on your headaches.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Hm! Jolly joker.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Klink, what am I going to do with you?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: General, I have a suggestion.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan...
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Next time you guys start a war, make him stay out of it.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Do you think that a card would be appropriate?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, absolutely, sir. Absolutely.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, all right.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [dictating] To my belovéd Führer...
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [writing] To my belovéd Führer...
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: ...from a grateful kommandant.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: ...from a grateful kommandant.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Thanks for a wonderful war.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thanks for a wonderful...
- [Klink looks at Hogan]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: First thing is to get you into Stalag 13.
- Sparrow: You hide us in a prisoner of war camp?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: We're the only motel for miles around.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Okay, we start digging.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Right. First thing in the morning, we start digging.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: We dig now.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, have a heart, Colonel. We've been out here muckin' about for hours. We're done in. We'll do a lot better after a good night's kip.
- [silence]
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Well, legally you can't demand that we dig now. It-it's inhuman, indecent, and it's impossible. Right, men?
- [silence]
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Well, why are we standing around when we should be workin', eh? Go on.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Colonel, you're asking and answering your own questions. That's tops in German efficiency.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Incredible! I always come up with an idea, don't I?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sometimes your brilliance is dazzling.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: [enjoying Klink's accommodating bathhouse] The question is whether to get drunk or drown.
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: If you can't make up your mind, sir, why not try a little of both?
- [General Burkhalter bursts out laughing]