- LeBeau: He's wild about you. You're all he's been talking about the whole week.
- Sgt. Schultz: During bayonet practice.
- Mrs. Gretchen Schultz: You overweight Cassanova!
- Sgt. Schultz: What did you call me?
- Mrs. Gretchen Schultz: Tubby!
- Sgt. Schultz: Ha ha, listen to that barrage balloon calling me tubby.
- Col. Hogan: I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. I was just captured by her beauty. We walked in the moonlight then and under an edelweiss tree, we stopped. As her face turned toward mine, our eyes met, and then our lips. We shared a magic moment. She swore her undying love just before she called the Gestapo.