- In using Schultz to deliver radio parts to the underground, Hogan causes a marital tiff, which, to fix, requires getting Klink to believe that his sergeant is dying from premature old age.
- The bumbling Sgt. Schultz has unwittingly been conned into making a trip to Heidelberg as a courier for the underground, but after upsetting Col. Klink, the sergeant is ordered to remain grounded at the camp. How will Hogan and the gang win him a new weekend pass?—Anonymous
- Tucked away in Hogan's private quarters, Schultz plays poker with the prisoners (Hogan, Newkirk and LeBeau) to the point of having no more money to gamble. To stay in the game he offers his gold ring as collateral. Newkirk examines it, declaring the gold genuine but the gemstone glass.
Kinchloe enters to pull Hogan aside, delivering news that the underground in Heidelberg needs new parts for their failing transmitter. The camp has parts to spare but no way to deliver.
Hogan reenters the game, looking for any connection between Schultz and Heidelberg. Bingo! Schultz is not only from Heidelberg but very soon to visit family there on a three-day pass. Hogan immediately throws in his full house to declare Schultz the winner of the last hand. Thus his scheme begins.
As Schultz counts his poker winnings, Hogan pulls him back into his quarters to discuss a "delicate matter," whereby he asks the sergeant to deliver a small package for him. Deliver a package for a prisoner? This could mean the sergeant's life.
Hogan begins wooing Schultz with the story of Liesel, supposedly the "angel" he met "on that wonderful night" when he was shot down over Germany. As LeBeau plays harmonica with Kinchloe and Newkirk humming romantically at the door, Hogan plays on Schultz' romantic nature, sharing the passion he and Liesel felt together right up to the moment she called the Gerstapo on him.
He wants to send her a token of his remembrance - "a plant" whispers Kinchloe - "a flower" says Hogan, to let her know she still inhabits his every breathing moment. Moved to tears, Schultz agrees. Hogan asks Schultz to keep this just between them. His lips are sealed, but as soon as Schultz returns to the barracks main room, he relays that Hogan has a fräulein.
Next day, LeBeau comes up to Hogan with a potted geranium, radio parts neatly packed inside, and a card that reads, "To my own little poopshin in remembrance of that starry night - Tiger," which he composed himself.
As Schnitzer the dog handler charges the dogs, Hogan asks that he get rid of the black one as it tends to obey the guards. Schnitzer apologizes. Hogan, in gratitude, will see to a little more in Schnitzer's paycheck this week.
Hogan notes that Schnitzer's father is working with him again. The man is eighty years old and a physical mess but wants to help.
Hogan and LeBeau catch up to Schultz as he happily heads toward the front gate to be picked up by his wife. Does the sack he carries contain gifts for his wife? No, just laundry.
As the potted plant and a note with Liesel's address are handed over, Hogan again asks Schultz to keep this matter between them, and again Schultz says he can be trusted.
Schultz suddenly notices his wife, Greta, waiting for him at the front gate. Both greet each other happily, and Schultz expresses his excitement towards seeing his kids, mama, papa, Aunt Fritzi and Uncle Otto.
He asks Greta to carry the geranium for him. She thinks they're for her, but Schultz says they're not. She reads LeBeau's card and gets the idea that her husband has a mistress. "For your girlfriends you have flowers, for me your own socks and underwear." Schultz simmers while saying he'll explain later, but she won't hear of it and threatens to smash the pot.
Hogan and LeBeau, having looked on, zoom in to defuse the situation (at the very least to prevent Greta from smashing the pot and exposing the transmitter parts). Hogan declares this a simple misunderstanding that could be cleared up with one word. Schultz agrees - divorce!
The squabble escalates to name-calling - tubby versus barrage balloon - and, in anger, Schultz tears up his three-day pass. Greta, leaves, Schultz turns back to camp, and Hogan withers.
Hogan convinces Schultz to reconsider, which he does, but now there's the problem of having torn up his three-day pass.
Hogan and Schultz visit Klink to request new papers drawn up to leave camp, but Klink's insulted that anyone would tear up papers bearing his signature. There will be no new pass and Schulz will be a tired old man before he ever sets foot outside of camp again.
Hogan, Kinchloe and Newkirk observe Schultz' punishment: guard duty while wearing a full field pack. Newkirk's remark on Schultz' fitness to bear this punishment gives Hogan an idea. Noting Schnitzer's ailing father, what if the old man stood in for Schultz at a requested medical exam? Hogan orders Newkirk to get a uniform for the "new sergeant" while he goes to work on Klink.
Hogan enters Klink's office, complimenting the kommandant for being all soldier and a real leader, but soon he instills fear over the idea of Schultz registering a complaint to the Inspector General. At worst, Klink would only then get what he's always wanted - a transfer to a fighting post at the Russian front. Hogan suggests a medical check-up to prove Schultz is physically fit before REALLY laying on the punishment. Klink, simultaneously fearful and thirsting for revenge, immediately arranges a medical check-up.
Out in the yard, the POWs finish dressing Schnitzer's father in uniform and send him on his way. They then deflect Schultz from his exam by saying the hospitals are all closed for Health Week, where everyone should be healthy. Since Klink thinks Schultz is at the hospital, they convince the sergeant to take a much wanted nap. Schultz agrees.
Doctor Pohlmann later arrives at Klink's office to report the poor health of Sgt. Schultz, a man in his forties who displays the physical constitution of a man in his eighties. With Schultz apparently doomed to an early demise, Klink decides to issue Schultz a three-day pass after all for Schultz to enjoy the time he has left. Klink looks in the mirror and accuses himself of being a killer.
Schultz thanks Hogan for the idea of a morning snooze, as it did wonders for him. Hogan relays that Schultz' furlough came through. Schultz beams at the prospect of seeing his family again and making up with Gretchen.
Back in Klink's office, Hogan finds Klink filled with recrimination for pushing Schultz to the brink of death. He sends for Schultz. Hogan fears exposure of his deception if the two men get together. Klink asks for Hogan's help in telling Schultz of his dire medical condition.
Arriving out of breath (from running to the office), Schultz enters. Klink immediately offers him a chair. Klink begins to speak, awkwardly, so Hogan interrupts to cut to the chase, saying Klink apologizes for the treatment he's given him. Schultz says he doesn't mind, since marching takes his mind off other things. Besides, he won't be around much longer.
A misunderstanding ensues (with a little help from Hogan).
Klink believes Schultz knows about his immanent death, facing it bravely, even happily, and fully accepting it. Schultz, on the other hand, merely looks forward to seeing his family again, happily knowing he'll "be leaving here very soon." Klink looks upon Schultz as a brave, brave man and hopes that, when his own time comes, he'll have the same expression on his face as the one Schultz now has on his.
Klink hands over the new furlough papers, which Schultz declares he'll remember for the rest of his life. Schultz exits and Klink can't believe he's never coming back. "Neither can I," says Hogan.
Three days later and no word from or about Schultz. Glum, Klink declares he would give anything to see that smiling face again and never do or say another mean thing to him.
Schultz enters, chipper, buoyant and ready for duty. Klink is delighted but confused as to how he was able to return. "By train," says Schultz.
As Schultz admits to a little indigestion from eating his wife's cooking, Klink readies to call the hospital to see to his sergeant's comfort. Schultz declares it good, since he can then take the physical examination that he couldn't do earlier. Hogan jumps up to usher Schultz quickly from the room, but too late. Klink now knows he's been deceived and calls the two back into his office.
Klink pronounces Schultz healthy, who'll live to be a hundred years old but never enjoy a moment of it, ordering the man to return in five minutes with a rifle and a full field pack.
As Hogan pours the two of them drinks, Klink ponders over the gall of Schultz thinking he could pull the wool over his (Klink's) eyes. "When will they learn?" mutters Hogan, "When will they learn?" Each raises a glass to that.
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