- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Don't you know no one is allowed outside after roll call?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Schultz, I was just goin' into town for some beer. Now, I'd have been back by, say, June - July at the latest.
- [spying on the equipment guarded closely by German soldiers]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Ahhh. That *is* bigger than a piano. It's even bigger than a breadbox!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe it's some kind of a new secret weapon.
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Then why did they bring it in here?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: They know it's safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Now, you see, that wouldn't be cricket.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Hey, gang! What about if we find out what it is and, if it's important enough, we get London to bomb the camp? That'd be great!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [leading him to the front door and opening it] Carter. Out.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Schultz says I might get shot.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan requests permission to see you.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Later, Schultz, I have no time for him now.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan requested me to tell you it is urgent.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Really? Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp? Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Me, too, Herr Komman...
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Boy, are YOU running the camp.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'm here to make a complaint on behalf of my men.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, a complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.