- Sgt. Schultz: You are a better cook than my wife.
- LeBeau: Merci.
- Sgt. Schultz: You're also better looking.
- Col. Hogan: [leaning on Klink's desk] Well, I mean you go along running the toughest camp in Germany and then suddenly, one day you look out and through the gate comes a Sherman tank,
- [points at Klink]
- Col. Hogan: with its peashooter pointed right at your monocle.
- Col. Klink: [stands up, visibly nervous] What?
- Col. Hogan: Yeah, yeah. And then out steps a second lieutenant, 19 years old, 6 feet 4, a high school senior from Wichita, Kansas, and he says, "Sir, you are my prisoner."
- [points at Klink]
- Col. Hogan: Very correct. And if you move, he shoots you.
- [sits in Klink's chair]
- Col. Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?
- Carter: Reversable tie pins. On one side it says 'Heil Hitler,' and on the other, 'I was in Switzerland during the war.'