- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [jeering] Hey, they're gonna surrender.
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: Smart move!
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: [playing along further down the line] Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender.
- POW #2: Who told you?
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: I just heard it.
- POW #2: [as some of the prisoners begin to cheer and applaud] Hey, the Krauts are surrenderin'.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Colonel Hogan, control your men.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Aw, I can't, sir. The news of your surrendering is...
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Who said anything about a surrender?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You did, sir.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: When?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Just now. You used the word yourself.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Only to deny it!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Well, it had to start somewhere.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Silence!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Okay, men! The surrender's off!
- [the men vocalize their disappointment]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: This little caper of yours better come off. We lost a man to give you what you asked for.
- General Stauffen: Don't worry. We are determined to destroy this fool at any cost.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I know who the fool is. Who's "we"?
- General Stauffen: The greatest military minds Germany has ever produced.
- [walks over to a portrait of Hitler]
- General Stauffen: He dares call himself Supreme Commander. But we'll put him out of business, I promise you.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: It's the least you can do, considering.
- General Stauffen: Considering what?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're the same bunch of guys that put him in business.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [at roll call] Schultz, why don't you take off your shoes and socks? You're running out of fingers.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Err, don't confuse me!
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Hey, Schultz, why don't you count our legs and divide by two?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Quiet!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [after the death of Hercules] This plan better work. It's already got an expensive price tag on it.
- Guard: Get back in the barracks or I'll report you.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: [ostensibly looking for a pet mouse] What, and leave Felix out here alone? There are dogs roaming around, and they double as cats in wartime.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [while running a casino in the barracks] Schultz, the complaint department's on the roof. Take the elevator.