- As the Hammelburg Underground lodges a complaint against Hogan's success, Klink finds himself caught between the Gestapo and the Wehrmacht, each trying to take over Stalag 13.
- It's night. A small truck drives into camp and pulls up before the dog kennel. Newkirk exits the driver's door, takes off his civilian hat and coat and dons his own uniform. Schultz comes up and questions Newkirk about being in the truck. Newkirk corrects him, claiming to have come up merely to look inside and see who's driving, and wondering where the driver got to.
Schultz means to investigate, so Newkirk slaps the truck twice (obviously a signal), saying it's for good luck. Schultz figures that Newkirk is trying to stop him from looking in the truck, but Newkirk says to go ahead.
Inside the truck sits LeBeau with Greta from the Hammelburg Underground, cold and nervous. She's willing to shoot herself in the head rather than be captured, but LeBeau dissuades her, saying they're fighting a non-violent war.
In the kennel, Hogan emerges from a tunnel beneath a doghouse rigged to swing upward. He joins Newkirk and Schultz. Schultz explains he thinks he saw Newkirk get out of the truck. When he threatened to look inside, Newkirk threatened to allow him. Hogan agrees, it's all very suspicious and orders Newkirk back to barracks. Schultz wonders if he shouldn't detain Newkirk, but Hogan points out "It's a prison camp - where's he gonna go? It's the truck we have to worry about."
As Hogan keeps Schultz distracted, Newkirk helps LeBeau out of the truck and down the doghouse tunnel. A dog barks, attracting Schultz' attention. Newkirk ducks around the truck, and Schultz just glimpses LeBeau closing the doghouse over himself.
Schultz isn't sure what he just saw, so Hogan grabs and examines his face, claiming it doesn't seem to be brain damage so it must be eye trouble. As Hogan keeps his head turned away, Newkirk slips Greta from the truck and down the dog tunnel. Again dogs bark, again Newkirk slips behind the truck, and again Schultz turns just in time to see LeBeau, this time with a girl, disappearing "into" the dog house.
Hogan follows Schultz into the kennel, where Schultz, on hands and knees, peers into the doghouse, coming face-to-face with an angry German Shepherd, growling, barking and baring teeth. Trembling in fear over what to do next, and with Hogan asking if he really saw a girl go in, Schultz exclaims he saw nothing - nothing.
Back in the safety of the tunnels (with LeBeau nearby to help), Greta berates Hogan. His number of successful area sabotages - the highest concentration in all of Germany - has drawn Gestapo agents into Hammelburg, combing through its citizens for traitors. Greta's operation for getting escaped prisoners out of Germany is jeopardized, if not doomed.
Hogan accepts responsibility but already has an immediate problem. The Wehrmacht want to turn Stalag 13 into a rest home for its officers. They'll keep a few prisoners on hand to keep Allied planes from bombing the place, but the rest they'll send away to other camps.
Before entering Klink's office, Hogan instructs Hilda to show Colonel Feldkamp right in when he arrives, then go immediately to the window and make an X with her index fingers, signaling Plan X. Hogan kisses Hilda's forehead then enters Klink's office himself.
In the midst of Klink trying to dissuade Gen. von Kattenhorn against transforming his camp, Klink orders Hogan to leave. Hogan moves to obey but then lingers at recognizing von Kattenhorn, naming him a textbook-worthy study. He also complains that von Kattenhorn's idea of turning Stalag 13 into a rest camp for Wehrmacht officers goes against the Geneva Convention, alarming von Kattenhorn over how he found out. Klink swears it wasn't him.
To Klink's dismay, Hogan goes on, talking about the great opportunities for rank advancement at the Russian Front, where Russians sure can create the vacancies.
General von Kattenhorn is done talking, and Klink has no recourse but to obey, but before von Kattenhorn can exit, Colonel Feldkamp from the Gestapo enters. Due to the wave of sabotage in the area, Feldkamp needs Stalag 13 as an interrogation center for Hammelburg citizens. Hogan says it's too bad he came after von Kattenhorn already commandeered the camp. "Who is this man?" asks Feldkamp.
General von Kattenhorn says it's true, but Feldkamp claims the S.S. has priority. Hogan reminds Feldkamp that he's talking to a general that's a legend in his own time. "Who is this man?!" demands Feldkamp.
Klink suggests the best way to handle this dispute is to ... just leave Stalag 13 as it is. Feldkamp and von Kattenhorn will have none of it. Their argument escalates, and Klink can't get a word in edgewise. Hogan exits, asking "if you're sure you don't need me," but no one pays him any heed.
As Hogan returns to the outer office, Newkirk and Carter (in Gestapo uniforms) spring from their seats, greeting him with "Heil Hitler!" "Bite your tongues," returns Hogan.
Once outside, Newkirk orders von Katterhorn's drivers inside where their commander is having an attack of malaria, given to him by Feldkamp. The drivers dutifully head inside. Newkirk and Carter immediately steal their car and drive it between the barrack buildings. Hogan lingers behind.
Von Kattenhorn blusters from the office building, where his soldiers are unable to point out the Gestapo men who sent them inside. Von Kattenhorn thinks they've been drinking schnapps again until they see that their car is missing. Hogan explains it was the two Gestapo men who drove off in it. He's sure Feldkamp can explain; and, as if on cue, Feldman emerges from the office building.
Of course, Feldkamp knows nothing, and can only return von Kattenhorn's outrage with his own. Von Kattenhorn threatens that if his car isn't returned, he'll return with a troop and take it back by force. Feldkamp says that that would make it his first attack of the war. Trying to moderate the conflict, Klink offers his own car for the taking. Von Katterhorn reminds Klink he's taking his whole camp. Von Katterhorn returns inside while Feldkamp rides off in his car.
Left together in the porch, Klink wonders to Hogan how this terrible situation came about. Hogan says he hasn't the foggiest and returns to his barracks.
In the barracks that evening, Schultz demands to know what is going to happen. Hogan claims he can't help, but Schultz knows that Hogan always seems to know what's going on. If Stalag 13 closes down, Schultz may be redeployed to the front to fight Russians, but as a married man with five children, he can't afford to fight ANYBODY.
In talking through the situation, Schultz mentions Feldkamp already rounding up citizens in Hammelburg. This galvanizes the POWs, who figure Greta and her underground associates have already been taken prisoner. The lower bunk opens up to the tunnels beneath, to which a stunned Schultz covers his eyes and claims to see nothing, nothing, as Hogan and his men scramble down.
Once below, Kinch tries to radio Greta but there's no response - likely proof that she's been captured. LeBeau thinks her unlikely to talk, but Hogan's not one to sit around and let the Gestapo boys work on her.
Hogan orders Newkirk to rustle up Vehrmacht uniforms for everybody. He has three minutes, which Newkirk claims should just be enough time.
In the basement of an apartment building, Feldkamp confronts the top six suspicious citizens of Hammelburg for a lesson in Third Reich loyalty, starting with Greta. A soldier interrupts with the discovery of a short-wave radio hidden in the attic. Greta claims no knowledge of it, but Feldkamp promises he has proven ways of increasing anyone's knowledge.
Dressed in Wehrmacht uniforms and with handkerchiefs over their faces, Hogan and his men burst in and get the drop on the Gestapo. Hogan rounds up the four and stands them together at a wall under "General von Kattenhorn's orders" to shoot. Feldkamp tries arguing in favor of friendly cooperation and offers the chance for these men to join the S.S. where advancement is more common. As he speaks, Hogan's men free the underground prisoners and lead them out. Feldkamp continues to talk and turns, finding Greta kissing the head officer (Hogan). Feldkamp begs their pardon, turns back to face the wall and continues his appeal.
"Enough talk!" Hogan fires his machine gun at the floor, and the Gestapo men, thinking they've been fatally gunned down, fall to the floor atop one another. Hogan and another clear out. Finding themselves unharmed, Feldkamp and his men arise. "After them!" commands Feldkamp, remaining on the floor to add (to himself, now alone) "...as soon as I'm sure it's not a trap."
Back safe in the Stalag 13 tunnels, Hogan's men process Greta and her associates for leaving Germany. Kinchloe reports that Feldkamp has surrounded the stalag to get his car back, while Kattenhorn has called for an infantry regiment to fight the S.S. Hogan loves this situation but, unfortunately, must bust it up somehow before innocent POWs get hurt.
Hogan checks with Carter that his car work is done. Carter claims it's one of his best efforts. Hogan calls him an artist and apologizes to Greta for having to miss the coming fireworks.
In Klink's office, von Kattenhorn struggles on the phone to call up manpower quickly enough to throw against the S.S. Off the phone, von Kattenhorn wants to commandeer Klink's guard to buy time with their lives. Klink proposes that he'd be more effective in this argument as a neutral. "Forget it," says von Kattenhorn.
Looking at Schultz, von Kattenhorn asks if he's typical of all the camp guards. No, says Schultz, he's a little bit above average, which causes von Kattenhorn to look unfavorably on his outcome.
Hilde announces Col. Hogan, who apologizes for, perhaps, walking in on something. Von Kattenhorn considers arming the prisoners, but Klink claims to have cowed them all successfully, leaving no more fighting spirit within them, to which Hogan agrees. With it said they also have no more guns, Schultz brightly suggests they can, perhaps, have his.
Desperate, Von Kattenhorn orders Hilde to call Berlin again. Hogan asks if they want to hear his surprising discovery. "No!" shouts Klink and von Kattenhorn in unison.
At the window Klink spots Feldkamp carrying a white flag of truce. Von Kattenhorn would rather every man die than listen to Feldkamp, but Klink asks if he couldn't just listen a little bit.
Outside, with Klink trying to moderate between them, Feldkamp and von Kattenhorn demand their cars from each other. Hogan interrupts to ask if they could be talking about two staff cars, because he thinks he knows where they are. Klink asks why he couldn't have said something sooner, so Hogan reminds him that he tried but Klink didn't want to hear. "Where!!" shout Feldkamp, von Kattenhorn and Klink in unison. Schultz belatedly joins in, startling Klink. Hogan says they're in the prisoners' recreation hall, further explaining that Klink doesn't let them use it very often, which is why they were only just discovered by accident. He sends Carter to show them where they are.
Staying behind, Feldkamp asks Hogan for any explanation as to how the cars got into the recreation hall. Hogan has none but offers the "fact" that Klink knows everything that goes on in the area. Klink is beside himself in trying to figure out what to say to get on the good sides of both Feldkamp and von Kattenhorn, but can't.
Feldkamp assures Klink that his investigation of this matter will be both complete and rigorous, which includes finding out about the kidnapping of his prisoners and his suspicion of von Kattenhorn plotting with Klink. No, says von Kattenhorn, it is Feldkamp who has been plotting with Klink, and the Wehrmacht will crush them both like bugs.
Their cars arrive. Feldkamp says he'll be back, and Klink can save himself a lot of pain by having a confession ready. Klink tries to open Feldkamp's door for him but Feldkamp slaps it away and lets himself in. Klink closes the door and sadly salutes as the car drives away. Von Kattenhorn claims he's not fooled; Klink is in league with Feldkamp, and he promises to return. Klink tries to open von Kattenhorn's door for him but von Kattenhorn slaps it away and lets himself in. Klink closes the door and sadly salutes as the car drives away.
Watching them leave, Klink tells Schultz that yesterday he only worried about the Russian front. Today it looks like paradise. Hogan walks up and agrees with Schultz that the rec hall was not a good place to hide the cars.
What should Klink do? Hogan checks his watch and suggests putting fingers in his ears. In an instant, an explosion rocks the prison camp and the three men hit the ground. "Sounds like a staff car blew up," offers Hogan. BOOM! What a coincidence! Another staff car! Klink wags a finger at Hogan, who appears to have known they were going to blow up. Of course, says Hogan, the two double-crossed each other. Does Hogan expect Klink to believe that? No, but it'll look a lot neater in his report to Berlin.
Klink asks Schultz what he thinks about it, and Schultz declares emphatically that he believes it, he believes it.
Klink muses. If only Berlin knew one tenth of what he has to put up with. "Rough war, sir," says Hogan and, rising from the dirt, heads back to his barracks.
In the barracks that evening, the retrieved underground prisoners finish processing. As one man looks down into the secret tunnel, Newkirk explains - "Large gophers." Newkirk heads to Hogan's office where Hogan is finishing up Greta's processing. Newkirk only opens the door partway when he apologizes for interrupting and closes it.
Newkirk - "He's, uh, processing." Carter - "Very thorough man, the Colonel." Kinchloe - "Secret of his success." LeBeau - "Without a doubt." (Rolls his eyes.)
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