- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Col. Hogan, you MUST tell me what iss going to happen!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sorry, Schultz, can't help you.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Hmm, I don't believe you. Somehow or other, I don't know how - this is a matter I do not want to inquire into - but somehow you always know.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: What's it to you, Schultz? You're a soldier. If they close down Stalag 13, you sling you pack over your shoulder and go fight Russians.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Col. Hogan, I'm a married man with five children. I can not afford to fight ANYBODY!
- General von Kattenhorn: [still looking for soldiers to fight the S.S] Vhat about arming the prisoners, Klink?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Well, heh-heh, sir, they have no more fighting spirit. I have cowed them.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yes, yes, he's cowed us.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: And we have no more guns.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: They can perhaps have mine?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [regarding German promotions at the front] I'll say one thing about those Russians - they sure create the vacancies.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Newkirk?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Yes, sir.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: We need Wehrmacht uniforms for everybody.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: How much time do I have, sir?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You have three minutes.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I think I can just make it.
- Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Big doin's upstairs, Colonel. Feldkamp has surrounded the camp with an S.S. battalion to get his car back; von Kattenhorn just finished calling for an infantry regiment to fight the S.S.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [very pleased] That's beautiful. Beautiful!
- Greta: You mean they're gonna fight a battle among themselves?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I'd LOVE it. Unfortunately, some of US might get shot.
- General von Kattenhorn: Klink! You will put all your guards under my command! We will buy time with lives.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Uh, General von Kattenhorn, I rather thought that I - heh-heh - I could be most useful in this little argument as a... a neutral?
- General von Kattenhorn: Forget it.
- General von Kattenhorn: [looking for soldiers to commandeer] Are you typical of all the guards around here?
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Herr General, I would say a little bit, uh, ABOVE average.
- General von Kattenhorn: [dejectedly] Oh, no. I can not surrender.
- Colonel Feldkamp: And I assure you, Klink, zhat my investigation of zis matter shall be complete and most r-r-r-r-r-rigor-r-rous.
- Colonel Feldkamp: I shall be back, Klink, and you will save yourself pain by having a confession ready.
- [Klink reaches to open Feldkamp's car door but Feldkamp slaps it away and opens it himself. Klink shuts it for him. Klink salutes sadly and Feldkamp's car drives off]
- General von Kattenhorn: He does not deceive me, Klink. He is in league with you. I shall return.
- [Klink reaches to open von Kattenhorn's car door but von Kattenhorn slaps it away and opens it himself. Klink shuts it for him. Klink salutes sadly and von Kattenhorn's car drives off]
- [an explosion]
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: What was that?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: A staff car?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yeah.
- [second explosion heard]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Coincidence! Another staff car!
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hogan, you knew they were going top blow up.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Of course. Von Kattenhorn and Feldkamp double-crossed each other.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Did you expect ME to believe that?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, sir, but it's gonna look a lot neater on your report to Berlin.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Hm. Schultz? Schultz!
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: I believe it, Herr Kommandant! I believe it!
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: If Berlin knew one tenth of what I had to put up with. Just one TENTH!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Yep. Rough war, sir.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now remember, don't drive it any more than necessary.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Well, we hadn't planned on taking a trip, sir, but why not?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: 'Cause we're paying the kraut sergeant in the motor pool ten cents a mile.