- Captain Bohrmann: [entering Klink's office] Colonel Klink. Heil Hitler.
- Col. Klink: Heil Hitler. Uh, please, Captain. Sit down, sit down.
- [closes the door to his office]
- Col. Klink: Uh, what can I do for you?
- Captain Bohrmann: I have been assigned to Gestapo headquarters in Dusseldorf, but I'm living in Hammelberg at the moment. Hauserhof Hotel, room 209.
- Col. Klink: Very interesting. But is it important?
- Captain Bohrmann: Very.
- Newkirk: [listening in from the coffee pot] What's this Captain's game?
- LeBeau: Keep quiet, and maybe we'll find out.
- Col. Klink: Of course I remember the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer. Could any loyal German ever forget it?
- Captain Bohrmann: I don't think you will. The conspirators are still being rounded up. A very important man was recently arrested. I searched his house.
- [takes out a picture from his coat pocket]
- Captain Bohrmann: Found this picture and the negatives.
- Col. Klink: Mm-hmm.
- [looks at the picture and sees himself next to the conspirator]
- Col. Klink: No, it's not possible!
- Col. Hogan: Klink sounds like he swallowed his monocle.
- Kinchloe: Must be some picture.
- LeBeau: Klink and a woman, maybe?
- Col. Hogan: Impossible. Klink's in love with Klink. Wouldn't let anyone come between himself.
- Col. Klink: General Mulendorf.
- Captain Bohrmann: That's his arm around your shoulders.
- Col. Klink: Yes. We were friends.
- Captain Bohrmann: Close friends.
- [voice turns stern]
- Captain Bohrmann: And very possibly associated in the plot to assassinate the Fuhrer.
- Col. Klink: [drops the picture] I knew the man. We went to school together for ten years; saw each other every day. But what's that?
- Captain Bohrmann: You were also best man at his wedding.
- Col. Klink: Oh, well... I had nothing else to do that afternoon.
- Captain Bohrmann: Colonel, I have a problem. If turn this picture into Gestapo headquarters, an innocent man may be executed.
- Col. Klink: Innocent?
- Captain Bohrmann: You.
- Col. Klink: Me? I'm not innocent. I mean, I am innocent. What have I done?
- Captain Bohrmann: If I destroy the negative, or... give it to you, I won't exactly be doing my duty, will I?
- Col. Klink: No. You do have a problem.
- Col. Hogan: Klink's beautiful, isn't he?
- Kinchloe: Little Alice in Krautland.
- Newkirk: How stupid man one man be?
- Col. Hogan: Keep listening. He'll tell you.
- Col. Klink: And you expect me to pay your hotel bill?
- Captain Bohrmann: In addition to say, a thousand marks right now. While I consider the problem.
- Col. Klink: Couldn't you consider the problem a little less expensively?
- Captain Bohrmann: The life an innocent kommandant is at stake.
- Col. Klink: Oh. I'll get the money out of the safe.
- Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan, what should I do, sue the Luftwaffe for my pay?
- Col. Hogan: You accept what they give you, Schultz, or sue them and wait for the rest at the Russian front.
- Sgt. Schultz: Oh boy am I in trouble! When I send my wife only half the money she usually gets, oh boy!
- Col. Hogan: Straighten it out when you go home on leave.
- Sgt. Schultz: She'll straighten me out.
- Col. Hogan: Then don't go home.
- Sgt. Schultz: She'll come and get me.
- Col. Klink: You mean you will work for nothing?
- Col. Hogan: We want to beautify this place. We want it to look nice when General Patton's tanks come rolling in.
- Col. Klink: Schultz, is money all that concerns you? Don't you ever think of the experience you're getting in the service?
- Sgt. Schultz: Kommandant, couldn't I get experience on full pay?
- Col. Klink: Doesn't it mean anything to you to serve the Führer?
- Sgt. Schultz: Is the Führer on half pay?
- Col. Klink: Don't you have any love for your fatherland?
- Sgt. Schultz: Oh, I do, Herr Kommandant, I do. But couldn't I have love and money?
- Col. Hogan: A deal's a deal, Schultz.
- Sgt. Schultz: But a wife is a wife.
- Col. Hogan: You didn't have to marry her.
- Sgt. Schultz: Now you give me advice. Where were you when I needed you?