- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Carry on, but quietly, I have lots of work to do.
- Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: [mockingly] Lot of work to do.
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: The new girlie magazines must be in from Paris.
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: You Germans can't get together on *anything.*
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: That's why it's taking them so long to lose the war!
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: How true- that's true!
- [Sgt. Schultz and Hilda look at each other, and shrug]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look Metzler, why can't you understand? I'm trying to save your *life*!
- Captain Karl Metzler: In return for *information*!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: They *shot* Holtz trying to escape- you're next! *You* be the judge what's *important*!
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [surprised] I thought I'd done *everything* in this war! *Now* I'm delivering *newspapers*!
- Newkirk: There's no shortage of birds in Hammelburg.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Really, Newkirk, how would you know? Have you been sneaking out through the emergency tunnel?
- Newkirk: Who me? On my honour, sir.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: On your honor, yes or no?
- Newkirk: With your permission, sir, I'd like to resign from this conversation.
- Captain Karl Metzler: [after Hogan tells him about their operation at Stalag 13] Is Klink in on this?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Are you kidding? Klink and his monocle are still fighting World War 1.