- Col. Klink: [Countess Marlene opens the door to her apartment] Good evening.
- Countess Marlene: Good evening, Colonel. Come in.
- [Klink walks into her apartment]
- Countess Marlene: You're late.
- Col. Klink: Oh, I'm sorry. There was an emergency at camp. A top-level decision. The traffic was terrible. I hurried as much as I could, honest.
- Countess Marlene: Just so that you're here. Sometimes, Colonel, it pays to keep a woman waiting. I've heard so much about you. You're much better looking than pictures. And I've waited such a long time for this little rendezvous.
- Col. Klink: Have you?
- Countess Marlene: Mm. And now that I'm close to you, I find you even more attractive than I thought. Those blue eyes... that full mouth... Mm. I'm in the presence of a love god.
- [kisses Klink]
- Countess Marlene: Oh, you shouldn't have done that!
- Col. Klink: I lost control.
- Countess Marlene: Some wine, Colonel.
- Col. Klink: Please.
- [Countess Marlene pours a glass for Klink]
- Countess Marlene: You know, I'm think I finally met my match.
- [spills wine on Klink]
- Countess Marlene: Oh, I'm so sorry!
- Col. Klink: Oh, it's nothing. It's just a little stain.
- Countess Marlene: You better take that off.
- Col. Klink: Oh, yes, I will, I will.
- [as he takes off his coat, Countess Marlene hands him a night gown]
- Col. Klink: Oh, thank you.
- Countess Marlene: Here, slip this on while I try to clean that.
- Col. Klink: Do you know that a suspicious person might think that you done this purposely?
- Countess Marlene: I'll be back in a minute. Don't... make me hunger all the more for your lips.
- Col. Klink: Oh, hurry, please.
- Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan, please, you won't tell the kommandant that I...
- Col. Hogan: I hear nothing, Schultz, nothing.
- Countess Marlene: I was thinking of a souvenir. Something I could have and care for. A lock of your hair?
- [looks at Klink's bald head]
- Countess Marlene: No.
- Col. Hogan: He's going to play hard to get.
- Countess Marlene: Hard to get? Him? He should give stamps.